Jill & Jessa Reviewed: Episode Six-National Lampoon’s Duggar Vacation

I really cannot believe this is only episode six…in how many past lives did I punch orphans to deserve this? Is the entirety of the current American population just reincarnated soldiers from the armies of Genghis Khan?

I had a choice between reviewing this tonight and watching a marathon of Impractical Jokers on TruTV, and the only thing that tipped the scale in the end was the idea that maybe things would be so boring with the Duggars that my brain would just shut down in defense and I would hit my head on my way down to the floor, killing me instantly so I can go serve my true purpose of torturing assholes in Hell. If this review cuts off in the middle, well…wish me luck in my new career.

That damn “tree” “house” is finally being completed. The poor, poverty-stricken Duggars, who had to beg for donations by selling third-rate brand shit on their Youtube page, were certainly lucky to come by God’s Divine Bulldozers and Construction Vehicles for this absolutely essential project. At the last minute, they decide the play house should be able to double as a greenhouse, so they add a stupidly-large number of what appear to be real, legitimate, glass windows for home building projects. I am suddenly reminded of Marie Antoinette building the Petit Trianon in Versailles as her own personal getaway a few short years before she had her head lopped off by the disenfranchised public. Maybe the future is look up after all?

“Let them eat Tater Tot Casserole!”

It’s ROAD TRIP DAAAAAY DUGGAR GIRLSSSSS!!!! Last week we got treated to a whole episode about Ben speaking out a few notes into a microphone in some guy’s basement studio, now the main “plot” today seems to be the giggly, googly, grossly-abused Duggar ladies going on some aimless road trip to Wallyworld somewhere that’s not Tontitown, AK. The girls have absolutely nothing to pack, or so they say as they are surrounded by the entirety of the Thrifty Shopper in their living room. They decide to have a friendly competition to see how long each girl can wear high heels on the trip. If there are any more feminine stereotypes unfolding in this segment, everyone will just start collectively menstruating onto the floor.

“And then, like, I like, said….like…math is haaaard!”

Joy doesn’t like dresses…not like she has a goddamn choice. Silly Joy, trying to be a person.

They go to pick up Jessa, who isn’t sure how she’ll deal without her husband, who is probably going to be stoned off his ass listening to his boyfriend’s rap album and pondering the meaning of life…or craving peanut butter cookies but not know how to make them.

On the road, the girls see the flying cow from Twister wandering across the road, which I believe with 99% certainty that TLC placed there to add “drama.” The choice of a pregnant cow for the girls to rescue is symbolic…representing the fact that they are all already are or will someday be breeding stock with all of their hopes and dreams lying abandoned by the side of a highway. Never once do they call animal control or attempt to see if there’s a farmer nearby who may own that animal. The girls do manage to get the cow to move away…they have plenty of experience with cattle-driving after spending their lives making sure their mother doesn’t wander outside without supervision.

The first thing the girls do upon arriving at their cabin is Skype Jilly Muff. Because how else is she going to be shoehorned into the series that FUCKING BEARS HER NAME? Anyway, Jill says Izzy is mobile, which means he can get to his teething fan all by himself without parental supervision.

Okay, so how are we doing in the giggly girl-trip trope checklist?
Facials and Pampering?– CHECK!
Babies?– CHECK!
Dresses and Heels? –Tee hee, CHECK!
Boy Talk? — CHECK!

Sex and the City is beginning to look like Wrestle Mania (on a side note, RIP Chyna).

 

Anna lets the audience know that at any given point, a Duggar girl could be as little as six months away from an engagement. Let’s mull over this statement for a sec, shall we? Let’s take Jinger as an example. Jinger is a sheltered little girl living with her parents and 15 of her 18 siblings. If she met her courting partner for the first time tomorrow, like Anna suggests, she’ll have a ring on her finger by October. The engagements in their cult all seem to last about three months, because they’re so horny if they waited any longer their vaginas would be gushing all over the floor. Which means, Jinger could potentially go from not even known a man exists today, April 22nd, to being married (and possibly pregnant like Jill) by January 22, 2017. Nine months to meet, court, and marry some mook from Bum Fuck, Mississippi. WHAT SANE PARENT WOULD WANT THAT FOR A 22-YEAR-OLD??? Or Joy, who’s 18 and barely legal?!? BARELY FUCKING LEGAL?!

Even TLC seems to think this suggestion is delightful, as they list the single girls’ ages up like items on a Wegmans’ receipt. This reeks of Humbert JimBob Humbert.

While the girls massage each other (stop it, Humbert Bob, this is really disgusting), Jessa brings up the J-word for the first time in, like, four episodes, and it resonates in my ears like a police siren going off in front of my open window at 2 in the morning. He’s about to finish his “program” and come home.

Sadly, not this program. 

Anna says things ave been “a hard road, but a good road.” No, sweetie, no. A Hard road that’s a good road is the kind where you deal with shit but learn a lesson at the end. YOU did not need to learn ANYTHING…or maybe you did, but you sure as fuck didn’t learn what you needed to learn…which is that scumbag perverts like Josh Duggar deserve to be castrated without anesthetic. The road you’re on is a road to nowhere but misery. You did not take the advice of your sane brother or the very Bible you claim to live by, and chose to listen to your bug-eyed, bat shit in-laws and take it all so far up the ass that the tip of Josh’s dick is coming out of your nose.

Jinger gets guy advice. Jessa gives from dollar-store advice on guys who are kind and respectful, and in the background, Anna says blue eyes. Yeah, for once Jessa is closer to the mark, because blue eyes mean so much in how intelligent or supportive a man is.

The girls talk about the male humans and giggle more. Joy gets marriage advice as well, and it’s all cringe-worthy as fuck. Even she doesn’t know what she should look for in a husband, so she gets her sisters to decide for her. Jana says a farmer is a better bet than a businessman…and she’d better not go near a guy with a desk job. Because men with steady incomes are total scrubs.

I’m genuinely beginning to believe that the finale is going to have some sort of special announcement, the way these schmucks have been hammering in the courtship thing with these girls. Before, the show announcements were always no surprise, as the Duggar courtier would have long been seen out and about with their unfortunate pick. But seeing as they have all but been in seclusion as of late, it may have been easier to keep things a surprise this time around.

Joy is asked if she’s sick of all the guy questions, and she says not as much as Jana is, because Jana is about thirty seconds from menopause and she’s never had no man.

I will cut your larynx right out of your throat, sister.

After the girls climb a rather phallic tower, everyone decides to primp and go out to a fancy-pants restaurant. The girls mumble for several seconds over what ‘scallopini’ might be. Jinger thinks it has something to do with onions…just, no. So much no. Jessa thinks it’s squid. Holy MOTHERF—-!!!! Guys….SCALLOP-ini! SCALLOP SCALLOP SCALLOP FUCKING SCALLOPINI!!!! You guys have the collective intelligence of a piece of lettuce!!!

So the ‘scallopini’ actually ends up being veal (I googled it and felt quite stupid for a few moments before deciding to eloquently place the blame on the Italians for the incredibly misleading name), and everyone just orders steak, which they still gawk at awkwardly because it’s not deep fried. MURICA!

The girls think Jessa’s heightened appetite is gross, but she explains breastfeeding requires her to consume more. Still..girls eating more than a delicate lettuce leaf is just nasty. No fatties, right, Gothard? Why can’t girls just stay skinny while pregnant? Jessa talks more bullshit about adoption and the fifteen boys Ben wants. Anna says that dooms them to having all girls in the house..including Spurge after the forbidden sex change.

The review for next week promises the second trip to Central Americas in seven episodes…I really don’t have anything to say about that. We just watched 45 minutes of five adult women having a fifth-grader slumber party. Anything goes at this point. It’s just been so thrilling watching the show topics go from “boring and redundant” to  Most-People-Do-This-Shit-All-The-Time-So-What-Do-We-Care? There is literally no appeal in this program. None. At. All. They DO NOTHING.

Well, maybe if I finish this up now I can still catch Sal Vulcano getting chased by a man in a cat suit, so peace out, normal peoples. May all your neurons remain functioning!