I guess this was unavoidable, and a long time coming.
With a third season coming in January, Jill and Jessa both knocked up with the secondary heirs of the Dillard and Seewald tribes, and Joy’s nearly-illegal (and all-creepy) courtship guaranteeing that the Duggars will be mugging it up on camera until the inevitable heat death of the universe, maybe I should get back in the swing of reviewing, right? As boring and gory it will be, and as unbelievable as it is that TLC will be focusing so much on wedding planning when the end results of said planning have already aired, like the impending Trump administration and subsequent invasion by Russia, it’s something I’ll have to endure and breathe through.
And, like the impending Trump administration, we’ll be lucky if Counting On only lasts another four years. God be with us…I really, really don’t have time to learn Russian.
So, let’s sit back and pray that TLC keeps the incestuous overtones to a minimum, because if they don’t, I won’t keep the tasteless incest jokes to a minimum, and there isn’t enough absinthe in the world to burn the taste of those jokes off my tongue.
Jingeremy start off their wedding day at the butt crack of dawn by showing up at the Dillard McMansion for devotionals. Jeremy walks in the door, and Jinger, like a good wife, has coffee and a side hug waiting for him. Jeremy says they’d rather break the tradition of the bride not seeing the groom on the wedding day to keep their tradition of Butt Crack O’Dawn Devotions., which is fine. That tradition stems from the old, misogynist idea that brides and grooms shouldn’t meet at all before the wedding, because if the bride looks like a sack of shit, the groom could run off. Probably the only woman-hating ‘tradition’ we’ll ever see a Duggar buck, so mark it, guys.
Jinger is apparently able to learn from the past (unlike most of her family) and did NOT hire Screw-Up Sierra for her wedding planning. Instead, she chose a woman we’ve never seen before named Wendy, who seems a bit more organized and a hell of a lot less grating. She also hired a separate wedding ‘designer’ (is there a difference?) named Cindy, who also seems to know a bit more about her trade than Sierra. I guess being pompous enough to hire two separate wedding planners who know their trade is better than using nepotism to hire a fuck-up crazyhead. Ten points to Duggardor.
J’Chelle tells us with her crazy eyes that the day is all about them, of course, giving Jinger away. Zeus forbid for half a second the attention isn’t on her.
“Bitch, these curls are natural!”
Then we get the staple scene of ever Duggar wedding special: the goddamn 3-5 minute segment of just the girls curling their hair. It’s riveting. Meanwhile, Flower Girl Josie is having none of this shit at ALL, and it makes me miss Jenni. Josie’s primary nurse from her NICU days is at the wedding and gives Josie a crown to complete her Baby Ballerina ensemble, and Josie still gives zero fucks. She’s supposed to be six or seven now, right? It’s really kind of depressing (genuinely), seeing her at her age and yet easily mistakable for a four year old, and knowing she will never get the help and support she needs.
Meanwhile, Jeremy gets bitchin’ socks as a gift for his groomsmen…except John Derpid. He gets plain brown ones because he has feet as fat as his head. Jeremy stakes a claim on the fire-breathing dragon socks, and I wonder how long it took for an internet commentator to inform him that dragons are traditional pagan symbols of ferocity, wickedness, and chaos. Many also associate them with femininity because they’re related to serpents. Christlike, indeed…
…though the moment did make me smile a little.
Ben thinks the socks should represent each groomsman’s personality. Sadly for him, none of the socks have banana slugs on them, so that idea doesn’t fly.
So the guys take their wedding photos when TLC chooses to flash the most beautifully-placed ad banner I’ve ever seen…I did laugh out loud for a second.
John Derpid gets one last chance to touch Jeremy’s sweet ass and whisper homoerotic pleasures into his secret lover’s ear. They talk about the cat hair on his pants. Eat your heart out, Browning. Thus ends the magical, forbidden love of John David Duggar and Jeremy Vuolo.
Near, far, wherever y’all are…
Back with Jinger, we see her wedding dress…which is a lot better than Jill’s but not quite a flowy and pretty as Jessa’s. The train is, admittedly, to die for. Princess Diana had better watch her (dress) back.
J’Chelle drones on for a bit more about Jinger being given away by her daddy…and here comes the painful part, I can tell.
Jim Boob’s ugly face tries to tear up as best as he can for the camera while Jinger tells him he’s lookin’ good in his suit in a very flirty tone. Boob talks about how calm he was until seeing Jinger in her dress made him pop an unnatural boner. In response, Jinger gives Boob a napkin (odd choice) that says no matter how many babies she has with her husband, her father will always be the one who allowed her brother to finger-fuck her first…and of course, he tucks it in his jacket to save for later. God, does he really lust after all of his daughters?
Also, J’Chelle’s dress, while better than the one at Jill’s wedding that made her look like a silverfish, still looks like someone tried to translate grape soda into an outfit and failed.
So the wedding begins rather quickly after that (thank heavenly father), which means we aren’t treated to any rehearsal dinners, stupid act-outs of the engagement, etc. I bet that will be saved for season 3, alongside all of the other wedding planning. You know they frigging did it all and TLC caught every damn microsecond of it on film.
“My life…over…slave…Jim Bob…”
Jeremy cries as Jinger walks her father down the aisle to meet his new manservant. At least he doesn’t make a Freudian fuck-up like in Jill’s ceremony, but maybe that’s because Jinger wasn’t his favorite little muffin.
The congregation is asked to sing a hymn that sounds an awful lot like ‘Nearer my God to Thee’ but isn’t. It takes nearly the entire song for the three bridesmaids assigned to mind Jinger’s veil to do the task. This is kind of why those trains aren’t in style anymore, ‘baaaabe.’ They’re a hassle…and a fire hazard in a candle-filled church.
Jinger’s dad begins talking about how awesome it is for God to bring together people who are ‘mutually attracted’ to one another. You know, as long as they’re 100% hetero, because fuck the gays and their gay love. But, you know, love is still awesome, and mutual attraction kicks ass, guys.
Pictured: Every gay person’s natural reaction to this part
In case you don’t want to listen to the entire speech, here’s basically how it went down:
JEREMY’S DAD: Mutual attraction is awesome guys, but sometimes someone likes someone else first. Jeremy followed Jinger to Honduras in order to outdo Ben driving 7 hours every Sunday to bag Jessa, so he wins. Also, Jeremy was like: “I like her.” And Jinger was all: “I like him.” And then Jeremy was all: “I love her.” And Jinger then said: “I love him.” It’s the most classy and beautiful love story I’ve ever heard of. It totally made me weep like a chick, it’s all so magical.
Christ on crackers. I’ll never recover from how deep that was.
Then Jeremy’s dad asks Jeremy to love her as a servant….what the flying fuck, guys. TLC just allowed to it be officially said that Jeremy is so see his wife as his servant. How the hell hasn’t someone car-bombed Nancy Daniels’ house? The utter anger I felt out of hearing that once sentence was enough to power a rocket ship to Neptune. Just…fuck.
Oh, and that doesn’t even cover Jeremy’s dad pretty much guaranteeing that Jinger will, as a wife, be totally unlovable at some point, but by God, he has to press through. That’s absolutely what a guy wants to hear in his wedding day, even as a fucking joke. Unless he’s trying to give his son one last nudge to run the hell away and marry a nice moderate Methodist lady instead, I do not appreciate this speech at all.
The pair exchange vows and rings. Jinger kind of has to force the ring on Jeremy’s finger in a moment of foreboding symbolism. Then, when they go to light the unity candle, the candles get stuck and they struggle awkwardly for a minute, finally saying ‘fuck it’ and using a barbecue lighter. Again, foreboding symbolism. They say when Lady Di messed up Charles’ name at their wedding, it was bad luck and caused their divorce. Welp, if that’s the case, Jeremy’s going to be living out of his car within the year.
Then, in a moment that goes on for entirely too long (probably to pad out the running time), an unseen singer belts out a hymn while the bridal couple just stands and stares at each other, whispering secret about how hard they’re going to do one another later. I imagine for 99% of the hungry, tired, annoyed people in the church pews, it was just as dumb a moment and a waste of time.
Then they have the first kiss, which, while not as gross as Turd’s or Jill’s (thank the gods Jessa made hers private), is still pretty gross. It’s obvious that this isn’t Jeremy’s first time lip-wrestling with some chickie-poo. Thankfully, TLC doesn’t cut to Jim Bob jizzing in his pants.
On the way out of the cathedral, Derick pulls that stupid trick that Turd did at the end of Jill’s wedding, where he stole his wife away from her escort and kissed her possessively before walking her out himself. I guess once you marry into a cult of Santa Claus-denying neanderthal men, you become one.
“Me take you to my cave where I go inside yours!”
At least the episode ends there, fast and as easy as such a hot mess could be. All the bullshit details we don’t care about will be featured next season, fuck my life.
I guess it wasn’t quite as painful to watch as Jill’s wedding, but that’s because it was shorter on purpose, and a lot of the incestuous jokes between father and daughter seemed to be left out. The worst part of it all (second worst, actually, to any scene with Jim Boob in it) was Jeremy’s father’s bit. He sounded half drunk, half senile, and both halves came together in a really convoluted and heartless speech. If I were Jinger, I’d be pissed at his remarks regarding how unlovable she will be one day as a wife, and how it’s up to Jeremy to carry through it.
So, the end for now. I guess I’d better get my energy up if I’m going to survive season 3.