Why I Refuse to Review Season 4 of Counting On

WARNING: I get rather venomous with my words in this one. 

So, y’all homeboys and homegirls, the next season of Counting On is set to begin June 12th. Alas, I am here to announce that I have run out of things to say about this insufferable misery. Before I explain my next move with this blog to you, let me say my final word on the matter of The Duggar Clan here and now, specifically regarding why I’m surrendering my normal routine of reviewing the TLC Menace:

1- It’s literally going to be the same thing as last season… and the season before that.
_____ is going to do all the bride shit that we’ve seen three times before (not counting Anna’s bridal track) while preparing to be traded for livestock with the _____ while ______ tries to score a vagina of his very own to stick his flaccid two-inch Duggar dick into before it falls off. Jana is the only one who can do anything, so she’s going to decorate a room or fix a lamp. The kids don’t know what ____ is, those silly fucks. Jim Boob sticks his fat, unwelcome face into our screens to remind us that the his daughter’s hymen is the most precious thing about her  (also, it turns his disgusting, lustful, incestuous nuts on). Michelle sucks on some helium and pretends she’s important even though her baby factory is out of commission.

Meanwhile, Ben and Jessa travel _____, see Flame for one episode, and Ben acts like the white, Fundamentalist Snoop Dogg, but with 1/50th of the insight. Oh, by the way, Jessa has two babies now, and life is SO FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE.

In the season finale, _____ get married, ______ gets engaged, and the next Duggar is ready to be traded for livestock to enter a courtship.

Literally. Every. Season. Is. Just. This.
NO variation at all. Just fill in the goddamned blanks.
Seriously, this gets renewed every time, and I’ve long since given up on asking why or how. Fans of this show just need to learn how to masturbate. Anything is more worthwhile and productive than this dickery fuckery.

2- I’m sick of the Dillards’ bitching and inadvertent (or not) child abuse. 
The preview promises more of the same utter bullshit from the Dull-as-Dirt Dillards: they mope about how ‘dangerous’ their five-star conditions are in Central America on FaceTime while Izzy sticks his finger into a light socket somewhere, and then try to justify moving back to the zika-ridden country that, by the way, is still under a Don’t-Get-Pregnant-Right-Now Warning, because Jesus wants them to play soccer, which will magically convert the Catholics. But, you know, those brown-skinned people must not need houses built, or food, or actual help. Otherwise Derick might need to break a sweat, or Jill might have to leave her hermetically-sealed townhouse.

We get it. You want money sympathy. Well, the only pathos you’re going to get from me is in my middle finger, you spoiled brats. Your time might be better spent learning how to read before your toddler surpasses you. Or, you know, actually teaching him not to lick electric fans instead of Isntagram-ing it.

3- Glorifying/exploiting child marriage is wrong.
Jim Bob Duggar is building a fortune based on prostitution. His daughters have been handed out to men they barely know in marriage in order to secure season after season of airtime and paychecks without him actually having to leave the compound. His latest bride-daughter is all of nineteen years old. Yes, that’s above the age of majority in America, but when you take in to affect how sheltered Joy Anna has been her whole life, as well as how inadequate her education has been, she is mentally, at best, twelve or thirteen. She is, therefore, a child bride. And she’s in for a world of heinousness once she walks down the aisle towards a guy who is likely no more mentally mature than she is.

Again, for a paycheck. Jim Bob is a pimp, and watching the show for ANY reason is endorsing him and his warped abuse. So, I can’t do it any longer.

4- We have better things to worry about. 
A group of sexist, ableist, white supremacists govern the United States. The House just decided that tax breaks for the 1% are more important than health insurance for over 24 million of the country’s most needy citizens. North Korea is testing nukes with more frequency. Syria is still one giant humanitarian crisis. Russia is still trying to hack it’s way to world domination.

The Duggars can do whatever they fucking want. I don’t care anymore.

You know, I used to worry that in three more generations, over a quarter of the world’s population will contain their worthless, stupid DNA. However, let me be frank with all of you: the odds of the human race surviving another TWO generations is getting smaller and smaller every day.

So unless one of those kids breaks free and exposes that useless, horrible cult/family for the piece of shit they are once and for all, I’m done. Likely, for good. If I need to turn to something dumb enough to make me laugh, I MAY look back on them and their stupid sound bites. But, looking ahead, I’m going to review something more eye-opening. Something more important….

…and what is it? Well, you’ll just have to stay tuned and find out for yourself!

Peace, my readers, and stay put!

Posted in counting on, duggar TV, extra reviews, Rants and Raves, TLC | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Duggar News Update: Child Brides, Courting Cads, and PANTS!

Things are getting lubed up in Duggarland as Jim Boob is working overtime now to sell off his barely-of-chronological-aged children into marital slavery bliss!

The eye-sex game is strong enough to impregnate her before the wedding.

Joy-Anna (who is barely 19, need I remind anyone) is engaged after a less-than-3-month courtship. I still don’t have the episode I need to review Austin Forsyth’s episode of World’s Strictest Parents, but from the glimpse we got of him in the Counting On season finale last week, I’d say he’s the most Jim Bobbiest Duggar-to-be yet. Based on the trend of quick engagements, a June wedding is likely…it will provide an excuse for the Dillards to fly home for a wedding/birth double feature. Jill is due to give birth to a zika-affected child/anti-abortion prop in July.

The second Duggar boy is courting, and it’s Joe. Joe’s intended is Kendra Caldwell, who is even younger than Joy-Anna at the barely-legal age of 18, and is the daughter of a pro-Gothardite pastor who has been chummy with the Duggars for years, which means it was likely that some livestock would be traded between the two clans at some point. Kendra Caldwell also wins the award for Most Punchable Smile Outside of American Politics.

No word yet on how a fucking 20-year-old idiot who doesn’t even know how to grocery shop is going to place himself at the headship of a family. Let’s hope Kendra is smarter than she looks.

But the biggest news of all comes from the newly wedded Vuolos, and that is that Jinger takes her place in American history as the first female Duggar allowed to wear PANTS!! More specifically, Bermuda shorts than fell out of the closet of a 90’s wake boarder. Jeremy has been known to preach that he thinks the ‘skirts only’ rule is bullshit, making him the most liberal Duggar by default. Huh.

If this is what Free Jinger was trying to achieve…um, good job? But please aim higher with Jana, guys. At least aspire for her to wear something fashionable one day.

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Counting On. Episode 3.??? Reviewed: The Wheel Turns Again

jThe ‘new’ season of life continues to re-define what ‘new’ means in tonight’s episode, if by ‘new,’ the Duggars mean ‘older than the liver spots on Larry King’s head.’  Tonight, we see the Jinger Cycle come to a conclusion (at least until the inevitable pregnancy announcement) and the Joy Cycle ascend over the dried-up horizon, ready to bore us anew for at least another two seasons.

So, Austin has a history, like Jeremy. However, whereas Jeremy’s history included being a young man indulging in life like a normal human does, Austin’s past is a horse of a different color. The Forsyth family has been acquainted with the Duggars for years, and were actually featured on a TV show episode of their own, called The Worlds’ Strictest Parents. Yes, I plan to review the episode he’s featured in once I find it, so stay tuned. For now, it seems like we’re likely to be dealing with the most Jim Bob-like of the suitors yet (including Ben).

Speaking of the devil, because this is about the beginning of a young girl’s romantic life, Jim Perv will be featured heavily in this episode. I will censor what I can, but let this serve as a trigger warning.

So, Jinger and Jeremy got married and shit. Like magic, Jeremy is already seeing ‘new side to her personality’ he’s never seen before. Is that a subtle hint that she’s a dominatrix or something? Because…fucking ew. Not about doms, but about a Duggar girl being one. Isn’t that against the law?

Anyways, as they prepare for their honeymoon in Australia, they decide it would be cute to practice their stereotyping of an entire culture in the form of crappy accents. What’s more embarrassing: when they arrive, they try and get their cab driver to teach them Aussie slang. If he didn’t call Jeremy a cunt, a bludger, or a ding bat, he definitely held back.

So in the midst of eating Vegemite sandwiches, punching kangaroos, and waltzing Matilda, the couple tell us how wonderful it is to finally be able to fuck. They really go on about this too in their Duggar PG language. It’s like listening to third graders talking about playing spin the bottle.

horrorBack home, Austin gets introduced like he’s starring in a Mike Myers’ origin story, with ominous music playing in the background and everything. He stops over at the Compound at night, which is a weird time, but it’s how TLC wanted to stage things, I guess. Austin is apparently a down-home boy with a pilot’s license and the ability to work heavy machinery. Dude, Joy might as well be marrying John David.

Austin finds The Boobfather in the upstairs closet/office, making this the second time a courtship was arranged in a closet in this creepy-ass family. Metaphor? Only if you believe humans need oxygen to live.  Austin calls him “Mr. Jim Bob,” and for some reason every time he uses the moniker I picture him with one less tooth in his face.

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“I can see where she gets her good hooks from!”

When asked what he loves about Joy, Austin answers that he’s been watching her for years. The minute those boobies sprouted, he was ready to go a-courtin’. Oh, and she’s a diligent worker, which is a fine quality in a wife, right under blind obedience and a womb as welcoming as Thanksgiving at his Granny’s house. That’s totally enough for Boobtron, apparently. Boobinator pulls the usual “le sigh, I love my daughter and want to protect her” bullshit act to keep the camera rolling a few extra seconds.

He then asks how he’s going to propose, and he thinks Joy is going to be surprised with the idea. Hmm, maybe that’s because mentally she’s about fourteen and shouldn’t be getting alternative-engaged so young?? But, The Boob thinks she’s ready, and by Joy being ready, he really means jonesing for an extension with the TLC contract. Austin wants to take her out to this overlook. That was, if she says no, he can just shove her over the side of the cliff and let the wild dingoes take care of the body.

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“Thanks for the daughter.” “Thanks for the paycheck.”

Speaking of dingoes, khaki shorts, and the Crocodile Hunter (Gods rest his soul), in Aussieland, The Vuolos get boomerang lessons. I feel like the Duggars’ personal stereotypes amount to a solid half of the entire world’s pre-conceived notions of foreign cultures. Between boomerangs in Australia to ‘samurai lessons’ in Japan, I feel like if they ever go to Russia they’d all don fur hats and go searching for Anastasia Romanov while eating bowls of borscht.

racismJeremy even dons the Australian equivalent of black face for the lesson! Seriously? Those ‘indigenous peoples’ face paint’ are a tradition that go back millennia. If he’d gone to a Navajo reservation and asked to put on war paints, cries of ‘racism’ would be everywhere (and rightfully so). There’s just something really…not kosher…about Jeremy asking to get traditional Aboriginal makeup when he’s only there to smile for cameras, spend TLC money, and bang his 22-year-old bride into pregnancy. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Jeremy gets nicked with a boomerang when it returns, and I giggle.

didgeridoo_playerThen they harass a street performer who teaches Jeremy how to play the didgeridoo. Jeremy, in his usual sensitive way, says it sounds like a fart. The only good thing about this scene is the guy what probably paid enough by TLC to rent a room for a while instead of sleeping on the street. If he didn’t get a hefty tip from the Duggars, then fuck them and their fake humility.

By the way, women can’t play the didgeridoo because I guess the power of the long, phallic woodwind instrument gets them pregnant, so Jinger avoids it. THAT’S BIRTH CONTROL! JINGER AVOIDED GETTING PREGNANT! BIRTH CONTROL ALERT! Sure it’s a stupid myth but I’m fucking counting that shit. A DUGGAR USED BIRTH CONTROL!!!

Then they do more touristy stuff in Australia. And more. And more. It’s like we’re watching an advertisement for reasons why we should never visit Sydney. Jinger and Jeremy make it look so bland. The only good part was a bunch of wallaby taking a shit on Jeremy’s leg.

i-made-this-faceTheir oh-so riveting honeymoon comes to a climax (haha, because they have sex now) with a cooking class, because fuck seeing Ayers Rock in the outback or do anything that you can only do while you’re in a different place, let’s make sure Jinger can cook food! See, this is the kind of shit that pisses me off about these ‘Duggars see the world’ episodes. They literally are given free trips to these incredible places where they can fully immerse themselves in the culture, and God forbid, maybe learn that the world isn’t Satan’s timeshare. Nope. Not for these people. They literally waste every frigging opportunity they get to expand their knowledge and appreciation for diversity, and they take cooking classes and try to convert street performers.

Ugh. So after Jeremy almost kills himself and Jinger by not knowing how to drive on the left side of the road, the cooking class starts. Guess what they’re going to cook. Go ahead. Fucking guess. You’ll NEVER get it in a hundred years.

Australian ‘barbie.’

Yep. Shrimps on the barbie. My fucking god. Did they cut the Paul Hogan cameo, too?

smutJeremy doesn’t lay his shrimps on the barbie fast enough (which is why Jinger isn’t pregnant yet) so the chef yells at him. Jeremy is really not cut out for Australian living. Why didn’t they just honeymoon in their backyard? But they do nearly go to second base, and he starts getting horny. Swordfish steaks do that to a guy, I suppose. but how rude is that? This chef has a job to do, she’s hired out for a cooking lesson, and she has to watch these two selfish wankers have PG sex over grilled prawns. I do hope she got paid for the therapy she’s inevitably in now.

At least the chef was no-nonsense and told them twice to shut up. After all, they’re in a  goddamn kitchen, surrounded by hot stoves and knifes and shit. I’m sure if Jinger burned her hair off it would’ve been Bec who got sued for her careless bullshit. I wish she went all Gordon Ramsey on their asses…but then she probably would not have gotten paid.

gordon-ramsey

“They’re so horny I could hear them mooing…just like the steak they were ignoring.”

Jinger snarks back saying “It’s not like we just got married our anything.” Well, it’s also not like you invaded this woman’s legitimate business for a staged cooking lesson and began getting frisky over a burning hot grill. Jinger, you need to keep your crotch dry until you get back to your bedroom. I know your parents hump on mini golf courses, but for the love of fuck, learn how to be a human and not an entitled, self-absorbed bitch.

So the big day comes for Austin and Joy, and he packs his truck full of Duggar men…and Joy, and take them back to his family’s campgrounds. Even though she’s said she’s known Austin for 15 years, Joy lets it slip that she’s actually only known him for five on two occasions during the segment. Hey, even five years in Duggar World is like thirty-five in normal-people time.

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When he gets Joy perched precariously on the edge of the cliff, he calls her ‘Miss Joy Anna” as if to remind her that if she doesn’t accept him here and now, she doomed to be a spinster old school ma’rm or something. But, of course she accepts and volunteers to give up her life to be a Wombinator before hitting two decades of life.

Just before the end of the episode, we’re once again reminded that you can lose your virginity through hand holding (or at least get The Clap), and that it’s dangerous for your purity to touch icky yucky girls before the wedding. Great. Totes needed to know that. But apparently side-thigh rubbing is fine, because no one bitches when she sits next to him in the car on the way home.

We’re then given the opportunity to see what hi jinks await us next season (fuck my life in the ass): babies and shopping. Fucking yay.

So what do I think of Austin? Honestly, I don’t. He’s got the personality of wet sandpaper, and he preys on barely-legal girls because he wants to get his rocks off under holy circumstances. Boy howdy, I sure can’t wait for the three more season of his ass getting attention.

raw

Posted in counting on, duggar TV, episode reviews, Rants and Raves | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Is Jinger wearing out the TLC gravy train?

faceNow that Jinger has fulfilled one half of her purpose as a vagina-bearing humanoid, it’s time for her tribute…the one time in her life her parents happen to remember her name and her siblings happen to see her as more than a laundry maid, and all because she was the meal ticket for the family for the past year. Of course, TLC marked this with the now-patterned ‘All About the Bride’ episode.

It saw a ratings plummet of nearly 200,000 viewers.

Now, I marvel at the fact that TLC can round up 200 viewers for any given episode of this show, but this ratings dip sent a clear signal out to TLC and Duggarville. The wedding re-aired this week (for my review of it, go here), and it’s looking likely that not a lot of fans will be tuning in for THAT either.

It seems like Jim Bob’s magic timing in arranging for his daughter’s entire sex life to be the sole subject of interest on a passe reality series following a washed-up family of boring-as-fuck breeders is running out of magic. Jinger was able to save the show itself from getting canceled singlehandedly with her romantic life deciding to show the fuck up, but now that appears to be backfiring. People are catching on to the overwhelmingly cyclical pattern, as well as the fact that it’s about to come around again for poor child-bride-to-be Joy Anna. Not to mention, taking two entire seasons to film a three-month courtship, a five-month wedding planning (which is boring in and of itself), a wedding where the most dramatic mess-up was the unity candle not igniting, and all the BAAAAABE in between is not even close to being worth documenting. Why? Because PEOPLE FUCKING DO THIS SHIT EVERY DAY OF THEIR LIVES.

Stupid people get reality shows over the dumbest shit, but those shows still get viewers and can even hold a bit of interest. Why? It’s really all about the special snowflakes doing stuff most of us don’t get to see on a daily basis. The Kardashians wipe their asses with twenty dollar bills, so seeing how trashy they are in spite of their wealth is what the hook was. The Jersey Shore kids were freaks of nature, so watching them lose their minds was like watching a National Geographic special on a group of Missing Links.

When push comes to shove (if you’ll pardon the baby-making pun), the Duggars are just average assholes who breed a lot, abuse their women, and look down at the gays and the pants-wearing whores. That’s sad, but not fascinating. Wipe out the controversial train wreck that was Josh (and, by all means, keep him away from my TV screen, because he deserves to rot in obscurity), and all you have left are average idiots doing average things with the occasional incestuous hint from Jim Boob or video evidence that Jill needs to be stalked by CPS. No one cares if they have a lot of kids anymore. We don’t even SEE the kids that often. It’s all about the Duggar Brides.

Basically, watching Counting On is like eating communion wafers while sitting in the middle of the Nebraska prairie on a 70 degree overcast day and listening to Steven Wright read from an IKEA instructional manual.

I really, really hope we don’t have to see it all over again with Joy, even though it’s a given that we will. Maybe Putin will finally let the missiles fly and kill us all before next season. I sure hope so.

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Counting On, Episode 3.4 Reviewed: You Will NEVER Escape…NEVER!!

how-could-this-happen-to-meWe’re in for one hell of an episode today, readers.

Just kidding. It’s the one of the most inane and dull episodes ever….which is saying a lot, considering whole episodes have focused on grocery shopping expeditions and babysitting.

In a brief update before we begin: Benessa gave birth to (thankfully!) a second son early Monday morning. Looks like Jessa still won’t have a mini girl-slave to raise her kids/husband for her for at least another twelve-to-eighteen months. No word yet on the poor sucker’s name (rumors are pointing to Samson Elijah), but it appears that no hospital visit was necessary this time. However, puerperal fever can set in up to ten days after delivery, so she won’t technically be ‘in the clear’ for a few days…not that any of them care to know about the dangers of unsupervised home births.

But let’s be real, I’ve been more eager for an update on Pokemon Go than on the Duggars punching out another genetic drone. Let’s just get to the mind-numbing non-plot of the day…

ewSo Jessa and Ben are COINCIDENTALLY getting the gender of their baby via 3D Ultrasound on today’s episode. Jesus Christ, the Jim Bob Publicity Timing Machine is in sync with the core of the goddamned universe. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he planned for the timing of the entire season to line up with Jessa’s due date….that is, to say: he totally did. In fact, the episode we meet Austin will likely be following a same-day engagement announcement. It’s a formula, and it’s given His High Heinyness three seasons of paychecks so far.

Ultrasound happens. Jessa is on mum orders from Jim Bob to create tension.

Guys, that took me thirteen words. It took the show five solid minutes.

I want to die.

I’m not kidding.

Female senators are being silenced by the white male GOP majority, effectively rendering entire states unheard. A batshit Nazi blogger is pulling the puppet strings of a President who won’t even read one page of a country-altering order before signing it. ISIS is gaining strength thanks to our crazy fuck leader’s Muslim ban. The new leader of the US’ Education Department is living proof that you don’t have to have a brain in order to control the collective mind power of an ENTIRE GENERATION…but by God, if having plenty of fifties to wipe your ass with doesn’t qualify you! Meanwhile, it’s easier to get heroin than healthcare, my vagina automatically disqualifies me from having any sort of credibility in politics, the world hates America so damn much, and THE GODDAMN FUCKING BEES ARE DYING!!!!

But what does TLC think we want to see???? HUH??? HUH??? A FUCKING ULTRASOUND THAT LOOKS LIKE JESSA IS GIVING BIRTH TO THAT WHISPERY KID FROM THE MIDDLE IF HE WAS FATHERED BY GOLLUM!?! FOR FIVE SOLID MINUTES OF AIRTIME, WHICH MEANS THE EPISODE HASN’T EVEN WARMED THE FUCK UP!!!!

303-bruce-almighty-quotes

Okay…excuse me. I need to take a handful of tranqs. Mmmmm…..it soothes.

*takes a deep breath*

*exhales*

Alrighty then. Onward and upward into the anal cavity of entertainment.

So Jingeremy is having a bachelor/bachelorette weekend before the wedding. I’m sure a Duggar bachelor party includes lots of debauchery, like the guys seeing strange womens’ ankles as they slowly shuffle across a barnyard stage to serve them birch beer. Party hardy.

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Followed by watching some nasty hardcore porno tapes…

shit-eating-escalatorThey go to pick up Jeremy’s bros from the Fayetteville Airport Escalator, complete with shit-eating grins that they get to be on trashy TV. Some of these guys are the same schmucks who helped arrange the proposal. The fact that this didn’t trigger a twenty-minute flashback montage is a blessing. The group explains that they plan to have the worst fucking bachelor/ette weekend ever, adhering to all the ‘jender’ roles possible (i.e. sports for men, pretty foo-foo girly sitting down shit for womuns). They brag about their holier-than-thou convictions regarding dance (which is in the Bible as being a good thing) and alcohol (which, as I recall, Jesus himself promoted the consumption of) and how they totally aren’t missing out on anything because they’re so much goddamn better than the rest of us drunk, gyrating low lives, you guys.

Everyone lugs back to The Compound, and I get treated to glimpses of the human equivalent of pre-chewed gum himself, Jim Boob. He doesn’t have any lines, thankfully.

The bridal party pawn off their children on the only competent human in the bunch (Jana) and go to one of those trendy ‘Escape Room’ mystery games. I’m surprised some of the ladies were allowed to go, seeing as learning how to escape from a locked room may threaten the Gothardite patriarchy. Maybe that’s really why they didn’t let Jana go? Can’t have the live-in scullery maid know anything like that.

 

At least Joy went, probably getting the skills to get away from The Forsyths’ place when she’s sold in marriage to them in a while.

seth-greens-hobbit-twinSeth Green’s hobbit cousin gives them the background info on their ‘mystery’ night, talking  about a Spanish conquistador probably bringing smallpox blankets to the Mayans, and if they don’t find his paperwork denying all liability for the ensuing genocide in 60 minutes, a volcano will blow up and smother them all in a fiery pit of oozing red death.

I’d pay TLC cold hard cash if I could actually see that happen.

Of course, because the sexless Duggars have to make everything about vaginas vs penises, the group is divided into teams by male and female. Before I even watch this part, I analyze the teams. The men have a major disadvantage in Derick, who’s dumb as a post and will probably vomit all over the place, and Ben, who’s perpetually toasted. The girls have…well, the Duggar girls, who have no common sense or ability to think for themselves whatsoever. Also, they’d be better off asking the lamp in the corner for clues than have Jill on their team (the lamp is brighter…haha). But Jessa might threaten to kill the others if they don’t ensure her victory, so motivation might be on their side…

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Jeremy says he’s analytical, and I don’t buy it. A truly analytical mind would deduce that he was marrying into a fertility cult before he did so. But in the end, the guys ‘die,’ and don’t solve the puzzles in time to survive the rooms. Ha ha ha.

So as the girls go in to the Doom Room, the guys get to spy on them, because they want to make sure none of them feel the overwhelming urge to make out with each other. The girls ‘die’ as well, but they get significantly more done than the guys, which they reluctantly admit.

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The faces of emotional castration

The next day, the manly men go off to grunt, beat their chests with their fists, and eat raw meat while the girls giggle about kissing and have a feathery pillow fight in their nighties. Oh, by the way, the giggly kissy part isn’t a joke. We’ll get our next round of “Why We Don’t Kiss Before Marriage” schlock.

newsiesSo Super Smart Jeremy decides golf would be a good man-time sport because he’s never played the damn thing before. To compensate for his tiny golf balls, he dresses up like he failed an audition for Newsies. I feel like somehow, in some sub-universe, this is racist to golfers.

The sorry little shit can’t even get his ball two inches away from the tee. I bet if he had his way and not TLC’s he would’ve chosen a semi-real bachelor party sport, like basketball. Or maybe it was the only sport that wouldn’t cause Derick to projectile vomit all over everyone. Meanwhile, the guys begin smacking their balls around so hard, it’s borderline homoerotic. Just kidding, it’s just as lame as you’d imagine. Even after Ben says it takes him 21 strokes to get his ball out.

The Duggars are stupid. This has become a weekly segment. It’s as stale as a piece of month-old bread.

jewelsSo back at the Compound, we see the flipside of the ‘jender’ stereotyping bachelor/ette weekend, where Jinger and the ladies are making bridal jewelry. Yep, makes sense. During a party weekend meant to celebrate independence while you can, the girls at at home with the kids and making shit. I’m surprised it wasn’t a fucking cupcake-baking party, or a sewing circle. Or a cattle drive.

Okay, it’s amazing how they’re talking about “going left or right” during the kiss. They sound like they’re talking about making two Barbie dolls scissor each other. If they can barely get the mechanics of a five-second dry kiss right, I bet each and every one of those girls’ wedding nights were like putting an IKEA chair together (at least Jill figured it out somehow, as Izzy was definitely a honeymoon baby).

So after that, Jeremy jets home to Laredo. You would THINK the episode ends there, but nooooooo. Jill still has to make at least part of the episode about her, so we’re tortured treated to a final segment where the Dullards go to Derick’s old alma mater, where he was once the mascot, Pistol Pete.

Pistol Pete is the most terrifying mascot of anything since Cookie Monster’s testicles dropped and went to Canada to film PSAs about little kids putting shit in their mouths.

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I bet you thought I was exaggerating…

So Derick’s college and his tradition of beheading over sized plastic cowboys connects him to his father, and he gets all sentimental about it. They get all excited about Izzy seeing Derick play 2nd Amendment Johnny, but I already know that they won’t pay for the hundreds of hours of therapy he would need after seeing THAT coming towards him.

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So, after inducing emotional trauma on an 18-month-old, TLC passes it off as cute, and Derick and his mom show Jill the spot where Kathy had to tell him his father died suddenly in his sleep. I’m sure she appreciated such a private, vulnerable moment being broadcast on cable TV for the sake of manipulating a bunch of stupid strangers into feeling sorry for her. It’s such a shoehorned moment. TLC and the Duggars really have no shame.

Next week is the All About Jinger special, complete with all the flashbacks. Ugh. Not sure if I want to review it or take a week off. I’m sure everyone knows how I feel about the clip shows. Help.

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Counting On, Episode 3.3 Reviewed: The Duggars Blow (Chunks)

giphyLike I said last week, if the highlight of your TV show for the week is watching one of your cast members puke by the roadside, you’re either at rock bottom or on Jersey Shore (and really, there’s not much of a difference), and at least Jersey Shore didn’t beat dead nuptial horses like this ass-wart of a show does. I just think it’s kind of hilarious that TLC thinks that, in the midst of the greatest Constitutional crisis since the Nixon Administration, and as the 240-year-old system that was America’s government comes melting down to a tragic ooze of it’s former self thanks to a humanoid Dorito with a narcissist complex and babydoll hands, we just HAVE to know what cheese Jinger will pick for her wedding day, or if Derick’s body really smells as bad as it looks.

rimpsterJinger is forcing a bunch of her siblings to help her move her stuff to Texas (and I bet she didn’t even buy them pizza and beer afterwards). Everyone is sad to see her go, and also find it weird that a married Duggar is moving to an actual place in an actual town not owned by Daddy Queerest. Oddly enough, after saying Jana was the best home decorator, Jessa says they left her at home this time, which is kind of like leaving swim instructor on the docks when boarding the Titanic, but whatever. Duggar logic.

Jessa correctly uses the term ‘in utero.’ I’m genuinely impressed. Then she says because this second incubation is being more difficult than the first time around, it must be a girl. Genuine impression gone.

agsSo the totally-Christian-and-not-materialistic Duggars have a shit ton of suitcases (11!) to sent through, and I wonder how many refugees could be fed and housed with the amount of money it took to check all those bags. Jessa brags about their stash of stupid shit like a really charitable person. The girls and their 11 suitcases make it look suspiciously like they’re running a baby-smuggling ring…only all the babies are going to J’chelle to keep her simple little brain occupied. Josie must be six by now…six-year-olds are too complex for J’chelle to handle.

At the Dullards’ McMansion, the family decides to go out and run around. Derick jogs, and Jill slaps on her best biking skirt. I’m shocked as hell that they put a helmet on Izzy, considering Jill’s less-than-stellar history of inadvertent child endangerment.

durDerick looks like he’s running away from being cast in a Tim Burton movie until he has to stop by the road side to spew red white and blue. He claims for the camera that he started hacking hairballs in eleventh grade…but from photos he still looked healthy in eleventh grade, so it’s pretty logical to conclude that it has nothing to do with why a stiff wind would sent him flying off to Oz. In doing some personal research out of curiosity, I found that having a hyperactive gag reflex while running is actually relatively common among athletes. So yeah, TLC hooked in the viewers with the ‘why is Derick so sick?’ thing, and then gave them all bullshit that explains nothing. I saw that one coming.

But at least we get some beautiful shots of spittle hanging out of his mouth as he’s doubled over. I bet he got paid by the drip for that scene.

The D-Haul crew arrives in Laredo, and Jinger greets Jeremy with a big giant BAAAAAAAAAAAAABE. Huh, I know how Derick feels now.

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Coming Soon: A giant-ass ineffectual wall running through you backyard!

In this week’s edition of “Duggar Don’t Know Shit,” the Duggars apparently don’t know that Texas is the Lone Star State. ‘Siah guesses the ‘Get Her Done’ State…funny, that seems to be something he has difficulty with.

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Anyway, the only state the Duggars seem to be familiar with is a state of confusion. Aaaaaaand moving on…

So while the crew moves shit around the apartment, Jessa shows off her bossy-boots Jim Bob genes and dictates what everyone else does, but does noticeably little herself. Yeah she can’t lift heavy things like sofas, but that doesn’t mean she couldn’t decorate or something. Jessa is the laziest jerk of the bunch.

I was a little surprised by the fact that Jeremy apparently is well-read. He has, like, four filled bookshelves (amateur…half of my garage is filled floor-to-ceiling with my literary acquisitions). Granted, they’re probably all theology and biblical stuff, but considering his wife and in-laws are barely literate, at least Jeremy isn’t a total waste of brain mass in that respect.

sleepsJessa decides it’s a good idea to spend money that is probably Jeremy’s and not hers on new sofas. Joy decides to fuck all this shit and take a nap, making her the first Duggar daughter in Jeremy’s bed. At the couch store, the magic of discount furniture makes Jeremy realize he’s cleaving himself to a Duggar. Any sane man would run upon that epiphany, but I guess Jeremy hasn’t read through all of those books. Maybe they’re just decorations..or empty boxes made to look like books so he can hide the baggies of ganja Ben brings him.

Jessa tells Jinger as they arrange for a moving truck to cart the sofa away that she suggested Jimbo and J’chelle buy her a table from the same store as a wedding gift…making it the most impersonal ‘display of love’ they have done for one of their children since they spent Jenni’s birthday message talking about how good she is at washing dishes. Fuck, I bet Jenni’s wedding gift was more personal., and made/purchased in person to boot.

Speaking of, the Duggar boys DO put a little thought into their wedding gift and get Jinger her own vehicle for Texas. It takes the show a whole 6-minute segment to follow the dumb fucks as they go to an auction to get a car.

It rains a lot when Jinger and Jeremy are together. They think it might even rain on their wedding day. How ironic. Anyway, this tiny detail is enough to trigger a flashback montage. Fuck TLC for making me temporarily hate my favorite weather pattern.

The next day, all the heavy lifting is done in the apartment. The Duggars try and shove Jeremy’s stash of books into the closet, perhaps as a warning that book learnin’ ain’t allowed in this family no more. How rich coming from a bunch of assholes who don’t know what a duvet is. Anyway, this actually pisses Jeremy off…he’s REALLY attached to his books. This frightening me with all sincerity, because this means I have something in common with a Duggar. Books are my lifeblood. I would save my books over the lives of my hypothetical children. Without books, I am a hollow shell of a person with no hope for the future.

And for once, I am not being facetious.

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Anyway, Jeremy caves like a little bitch who clearly is all talk and lets the books get stashed where they won’t be able to breathe or see the light of day. If it were me, Jessa would be leaving the house that afternoon with a nice healthy shiner for even suggesting such a thing. Jeremy closes the door with a solemn “A little piece of me just died.”

Get used to that shit, Jer. You’re a Duggar now.

Back on the other side of the Arkansas desert, The Imaginary Invalids go to the Doctor…hey look, they have an actual doctor they go to! He’s been a family friend for years but hasn’t seen Derick or Iz before, which means he probably has some slight biases on medicine and science…and logic. Izzy is measured and is, as we expected, a fatty-fatty two-by-four.

dr2Derick asks the doctor about his gagging, but he really SHOULD be asking about why his face is imploding, and why his son weighs more than he does. Also, he should look into seeing a real orthodontist about the hack job to his palate. The Duggars are so beyond dumb, I have no doubt they came across a quack. They don’t know the difference between Jill playing with toys and a real midwife, so how could they spot the dangers of going under the knife of a surgeon who graduated from Trump University?

The doctor gives absolutely no help, and suggests seeing an allergist. Because an allergist would know a lot about barfing while running. Yes, Derick is allergic to running.

Then Dr. Hack examines Jill and she says that she feels find other than a few ‘complications from Central America.” Like….zika? Now that she’s pregnant, is her baby going to have microcephaly? Pshaw, probably not. If she did, the Duggars would be bumming prayers off their Facebook page like no tomorrow. Dr. Hack examines her carotids, and he hears an irregularity that indicates a narrowing of the artery, which could be a sign of a blockage near the heart.

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NIKE!

They make a big deal about doing an ultrasound on Jill’s neck, but don’t actually do it.

Jessa continues to be a bitch to Jeremy about how he wants to decorate his own house, and then everyone goes home. You gotta love these stupid anti-climactic endings.

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Counting On, Episode 3.2 Reviewed: Ben Reunites with His Old Flame

ignSomething amazing happened last weekend, guys.

Millions of concerned Americans went to the Women’s March for Rights, and millions more worldwide joined us in solidarity. Even fucking Antarctica took a stand, making it the first protest represented on all seven continents.

Of course, the Duggars and their satellite clans had to make it all about ‘baby killing,’ (it didn’t help that the March for “Life” took place the following day…Duggar selfies abounded as usual) with Ben Seewald’s father even going so far as to say this:

Women of the world who are marching by the thousands, I am ashamed to call you sisters today. You do not fight for women’s rights. You have no class. You have no dignity. You fight for death.

Well, Michael Seewald can go fuck himself in his  tight, hairy asshole…with a cactus filled with sulfuric acid. Women around the world stood up and said they they will not go gently into the dark nights we are facing. We told all men that we are equals, worth of respect, protection under the law, and autonomy. And a Neo-Nazi got punched in the face, which was pretty sweet. I think I’m going to save that clip and loop it whenever I feel depressed.

Then, of course, Trump responded by signing an anti-abortion law on Monday. More anal cactus fucking is requested. This is what we have to look forward to the next four years, ladies. Shouting at the top of our lungs and not ever being heard…

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…and Jill Dillard still deluding herself into thinking she’s a midwife.

c2s4l55usaaa6toBefore I start the review, I just wanted to tell every woman, from single black mothers working three jobs just to feed their kids, to upper-class CEO’s housewives who experience all the privilege, to school teachers struggling to make the rent, to newborn daughters blissfully unaware at just how unfair it is to be born with a vagina: they suppress us because they fear us. Since the beginning of time, women have had the power to bring forth life, the power to sustain life, the power to withstand immense amounts of diseases and pain, the power to work with incredible fortitude, the gift of a longer lifespan to oversee and guide the lives we create and sustain, and the gift of wisdom granted by those long lives. Human men have brawn and ego in the way male peacocks have brighter plumage and male lions are larger and have cooler manes.

Think about that: men fear us. They take away the right to our bodies because they want to control us…but they know what we’re capable of.  If they didn’t control us, they would have to face the fact that women are strong…perhaps stronger than they are. In the natural order, humanity is still here, including the men who beat us down, because WE WERE, ARE, AND WILL ALWAYS BE HERE. We need to fight for our power. It’s ours. Take it, my sisters.

As for the men, we’re not asking that you bow down to us. We’re not asking for more. We’re asking for equality. Acknowledge that women are amazing, on the same level as you under the eyes of whatever Creator you believe in, and give all of us the dignity and autonomy we deserve.

Now, let’s get to the yuk-yuks, because I’m sure that’s what you came here for.

First thing’s first, the episode’s official title is “Could it be twins??” Spoilers…no.

ben1So the first segment, where Benessa come over to the Dullards’ McMansion so Jill can play pretend midwife and send her not-so-vague pro-life messages out into the world, is not worth much time going over. I’m not really sure why Jessa isn’t going to see a real doctor for a real exam. Granted, no one works so she can;t have job-offered health insurance, but the entire Duggar family is worth more than the GDP of some sub-Saharan African nations, so I’m calling bullshit on the not being able to afford insurance schpiel.

The Dullards answer the door with their Dora The Explorer-level Spanish, and Izzy tries to run out the door. I knew that kid was smarter than his parents. The infant cousins mess around as two year-olds do while the adults gush over it. Little to they know the kids are actually planning an epic Alcatraz-style breakout.

Jill lies about being a certified professional midwife, then cooes about how fun it is to play doctor with her sister while Ben watched with glazed-over interest.  The heart rate is varied, so they can’t discern a sex from the old wives’ tale that a certain beat rate equals a certain sex, but Benessa, along with myself, are gunning for another boy. So, yes, Dr. Jilly-Muff is a ‘certified midwife’ who believes in old wives’ tales. How the actual fuck has Dr. Muff not accidentally killed some woman’s baby and been arrested for fraud?

The Duggar siblings are asked to name the baby. Joy says ‘Maximus’, which sounds like something Kanye would name his kid (if ‘God’ or ‘Al Mighty’ weren’t on the table). Jed says ‘Hezekiah,” which roughly translates to “everyone thinks I’m Amish but I’d actually be better off if I was.” ‘Siah thinsk they should slowly spell out ‘S-e-e-w-a-l-d,’ with their kids names,. so the next kid should have an ‘E’ name. Hmm…let me try that, actually…

S-Spurgeon
E- Elmer
E- Ehh
W- Waitasec
A- Al Rightthisisenough
L- Lord Helpusthisisentirelytoomanykidsforsomeoneunderthirty
D- Divorceme

Still better than “Renesmee.”

cheese-cuttingOn the other side of Duggarville, Jinger is still planning for the wedding we already saw by inviting a family friend over to taste test food for the reception (which puts this wedding bounds above “Powdered Lemonade Jill” and “November in the Parking Lot” Jessa). The lady brings half of Olive Garden over to the house, because Italian. I feel like that’s the official Vuolo family motto. Vuolo: Because, Italian. If someone can design a family crest for that and send it to me, I would love you forever.

Meanwhile, Jinger can’t even pronounce pasta names, and says the Duggars should be represented in the food by…of course…pickles. That’s amore.

Jill cuts in to talk about planning a wedding on a ‘shoestring budget.” Um, yeah, Dr. Muffinstein, we know you’re a cheat and a con like your Daddy. Your family has a giant net worth and yet Ebeneezer Duggar can’t be moved to throw a few real dollars at you for your wedding day. Meanwhile, if I ever get married, I won’t even be able to afford a taxi to drive me to the courthouse.

derps

Herper Derper

So after Jinger cuts the cheese, and the camera crew asks the kids “If Jinger were a cheese…” (wow, I just realize just how important this show is to the collective cultural identity of America), we see Anna for the first time this season as she and Jill take some of the babies to an indoor playground. Anna says she doesn’t know how soon Jill will be back “overseas, even though any fifth grader will tell you that there is no ocean or sea that separates Central America from North America…in fact in continental terms it’s still considered “North America.” It’s almost as funny as the fact that the Dullards told their family that they actually intended to go back.

Izzy gets a little possessive about a toy car he’s riding around in, and Jill remarks that he’s in the “Training Twos.” I guess this means the age where they plop him on a big and beat the hell out of him whenever he moves. Jill’s a fucking idiot for saying that on air.

Then the idiot TLC crew asks the bachelor children for advice on how to wrangle little children, because they know a lot from raising their siblings while their mother was off whoring for the cameras elsewhere. Jill seems daunted with the idea of having four kids, but she quickly erases the thought, because God is supposed to give you the strength to raise them all. Tell that to Andrea Yates.

So, we’re barely halfway through the episode (spare me), but thankfully, we get to Flame’s part next. TLC coerced him to play a concert near Benessa’s home, and so Ben cannot wait to meet up with the Alexander Hamilton to his John Laurens. And no, I refuse to make Ben the Alexander Hamilton…he’s not cool enough. Laurens was great, but he died young and was known for being socially awkward. Ben is definitely a Laurens.

also-kinda-has-the-stoner-eye-down

He’s even got the same glazed, stoner-eyes.

pooAnyways, after powering up with food and Ben reminding us that he tried to rap once (looking like he’s trying to take a poop while doing it), they plop some headphones on Spuds and go off to the concert, playing Flame’s music all the way. It’s so obvious how much Ben is in love with Flame.  Meanwhile, as with all of the Flame segments, Jessa just sort of exists and lets Ben have his fanboy time. Another reason why I can tolerate these bits: Jessa gets shoved off to the sidelines. There’s something cathartic about seeing that go down.

Flaaaaaaame is baaaaaaaaack, and so is Sea Anemone Head!

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Joking about their superior penis sizes!

The Seewalds go backstage to chill with the motley crew of Flamers, Suds gets to play with the scratch table, and Anemone Head approves. Then, TLC forces Flame to ruin his own concert for a plot point by inviting Ben onstage to make an ass out of himself during one of the numbers and squirt water guns at people.

So the show has the buzzkill audacity to back to Jinger’s oh-so-fascinating meeting with the Not-Sierra (thank fucking Jesus) wedding planner, but, let’s get the fuck back to Flame, because I’m already goddamn sick of watching Jinger plan a wedding we already saw.

At the concern, Ben is getting over-excited and over-nervous about running onstage for fifteen seconds to squirt people in the audience (with a WATER GUN, pervs). Jessa gives zero shits because the day isn’t about her, so she doesn’t even bother to watch the show, spending the whole time with Spurge backstage. Spuds give his review of the show:

keep-it-real-little-dude

Keep it real, Little Dude

Ben, sadly, doesn’t trip on his ass. End of episode.

Next time on Duggar Land: we get to see Derick barf on the side of the road!

hes-as-done-with-all-this-shti-as-i-am

Quick tip: this THIS is your big-deal reason to watch the next episode…you kind of suck at life and need to stop.

Posted in counting on, duggar TV, episode reviews, FYI, Rants and Raves | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments