Counting On. Episode 3.??? Reviewed: The Wheel Turns Again

The ‘new’ season of life continues to re-define what ‘new’ means in tonight’s episode, if by ‘new,’ the Duggars mean ‘older than the liver spots on Larry King’s head.’  Tonight, we see the Jinger Cycle come to a conclusion (at least until the inevitable pregnancy announcement) and the Joy Cycle ascend over the dried-up horizon, ready to bore us anew for at least another two seasons.

So, Austin has a history, like Jeremy. However, whereas Jeremy’s history included being a young man indulging in life like a normal human does, Austin’s past is a horse of a different color. The Forsyth family has been acquainted with the Duggars for years, and were actually featured on a TV show episode of their own, called The Worlds’ Strictest Parents. Yes, I plan to review the episode he’s featured in once I find it, so stay tuned. For now, it seems like we’re likely to be dealing with the most Jim Bob-like of the suitors yet (including Ben).

Speaking of the devil, because this is about the beginning of a young girl’s romantic life, Jim Perv will be featured heavily in this episode. I will censor what I can, but let this serve as a trigger warning.

So, Jinger and Jeremy got married and shit. Like magic, Jeremy is already seeing ‘new side to her personality’ he’s never seen before. Is that a subtle hint that she’s a dominatrix or something? Because…fucking ew. Not about doms, but about a Duggar girl being one. Isn’t that against the law?

Anyways, as they prepare for their honeymoon in Australia, they decide it would be cute to practice their stereotyping of an entire culture in the form of crappy accents. What’s more embarrassing: when they arrive, they try and get their cab driver to teach them Aussie slang. If he didn’t call Jeremy a cunt, a bludger, or a ding bat, he definitely held back.

So in the midst of eating Vegemite sandwiches, punching kangaroos, and waltzing Matilda, the couple tell us how wonderful it is to finally be able to fuck. They really go on about this too in their Duggar PG language. It’s like listening to third graders talking about playing spin the bottle.

Back home, Austin gets introduced like he’s starring in a Mike Myers’ origin story, with ominous music playing in the background and everything. He stops over at the Compound at night, which is a weird time, but it’s how TLC wanted to stage things, I guess. Austin is apparently a down-home boy with a pilot’s license and the ability to work heavy machinery. Dude, Joy might as well be marrying John David.

Austin finds The Boobfather in the upstairs closet/office, making this the second time a courtship was arranged in a closet in this creepy-ass family. Metaphor? Only if you believe humans need oxygen to live.  Austin calls him “Mr. Jim Bob,” and for some reason every time he uses the moniker I picture him with one less tooth in his face.

“I can see where she gets her good hooks from!”

When asked what he loves about Joy, Austin answers that he’s been watching her for years. The minute those boobies sprouted, he was ready to go a-courtin’. Oh, and she’s a diligent worker, which is a fine quality in a wife, right under blind obedience and a womb as welcoming as Thanksgiving at his Granny’s house. That’s totally enough for Boobtron, apparently. Boobinator pulls the usual “le sigh, I love my daughter and want to protect her” bullshit act to keep the camera rolling a few extra seconds.

He then asks how he’s going to propose, and he thinks Joy is going to be surprised with the idea. Hmm, maybe that’s because mentally she’s about fourteen and shouldn’t be getting alternative-engaged so young?? But, The Boob thinks she’s ready, and by Joy being ready, he really means jonesing for an extension with the TLC contract. Austin wants to take her out to this overlook. That was, if she says no, he can just shove her over the side of the cliff and let the wild dingoes take care of the body.

“Thanks for the daughter.” “Thanks for the paycheck.”

Speaking of dingoes, khaki shorts, and the Crocodile Hunter (Gods rest his soul), in Aussieland, The Vuolos get boomerang lessons. I feel like the Duggars’ personal stereotypes amount to a solid half of the entire world’s pre-conceived notions of foreign cultures. Between boomerangs in Australia to ‘samurai lessons’ in Japan, I feel like if they ever go to Russia they’d all don fur hats and go searching for Anastasia Romanov while eating bowls of borscht.

Jeremy even dons the Australian equivalent of black face for the lesson! Seriously? Those ‘indigenous peoples’ face paint’ are a tradition that go back millennia. If he’d gone to a Navajo reservation and asked to put on war paints, cries of ‘racism’ would be everywhere (and rightfully so). There’s just something really…not kosher…about Jeremy asking to get traditional Aboriginal makeup when he’s only there to smile for cameras, spend TLC money, and bang his 22-year-old bride into pregnancy. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Jeremy gets nicked with a boomerang when it returns, and I giggle.

Then they harass a street performer who teaches Jeremy how to play the didgeridoo. Jeremy, in his usual sensitive way, says it sounds like a fart. The only good thing about this scene is the guy what probably paid enough by TLC to rent a room for a while instead of sleeping on the street. If he didn’t get a hefty tip from the Duggars, then fuck them and their fake humility.

By the way, women can’t play the didgeridoo because I guess the power of the long, phallic woodwind instrument gets them pregnant, so Jinger avoids it. THAT’S BIRTH CONTROL! JINGER AVOIDED GETTING PREGNANT! BIRTH CONTROL ALERT! Sure it’s a stupid myth but I’m fucking counting that shit. A DUGGAR USED BIRTH CONTROL!!!

Then they do more touristy stuff in Australia. And more. And more. It’s like we’re watching an advertisement for reasons why we should never visit Sydney. Jinger and Jeremy make it look so bland. The only good part was a bunch of wallaby taking a shit on Jeremy’s leg.

Their oh-so riveting honeymoon comes to a climax (haha, because they have sex now) with a cooking class, because fuck seeing Ayers Rock in the outback or do anything that you can only do while you’re in a different place, let’s make sure Jinger can cook food! See, this is the kind of shit that pisses me off about these ‘Duggars see the world’ episodes. They literally are given free trips to these incredible places where they can fully immerse themselves in the culture, and God forbid, maybe learn that the world isn’t Satan’s timeshare. Nope. Not for these people. They literally waste every frigging opportunity they get to expand their knowledge and appreciation for diversity, and they take cooking classes and try to convert street performers.

Ugh. So after Jeremy almost kills himself and Jinger by not knowing how to drive on the left side of the road, the cooking class starts. Guess what they’re going to cook. Go ahead. Fucking guess. You’ll NEVER get it in a hundred years.

Australian ‘barbie.’

Yep. Shrimps on the barbie. My fucking god. Did they cut the Paul Hogan cameo, too?

Jeremy doesn’t lay his shrimps on the barbie fast enough (which is why Jinger isn’t pregnant yet) so the chef yells at him. Jeremy is really not cut out for Australian living. Why didn’t they just honeymoon in their backyard? But they do nearly go to second base, and he starts getting horny. Swordfish steaks do that to a guy, I suppose. but how rude is that? This chef has a job to do, she’s hired out for a cooking lesson, and she has to watch these two selfish wankers have PG sex over grilled prawns. I do hope she got paid for the therapy she’s inevitably in now.

At least the chef was no-nonsense and told them twice to shut up. After all, they’re in a  goddamn kitchen, surrounded by hot stoves and knifes and shit. I’m sure if Jinger burned her hair off it would’ve been Bec who got sued for her careless bullshit. I wish she went all Gordon Ramsey on their asses…but then she probably would not have gotten paid.

“They’re so horny I could hear them mooing…just like the steak they were ignoring.”

Jinger snarks back saying “It’s not like we just got married our anything.” Well, it’s also not like you invaded this woman’s legitimate business for a staged cooking lesson and began getting frisky over a burning hot grill. Jinger, you need to keep your crotch dry until you get back to your bedroom. I know your parents hump on mini golf courses, but for the love of fuck, learn how to be a human and not an entitled, self-absorbed bitch.

So the big day comes for Austin and Joy, and he packs his truck full of Duggar men…and Joy, and take them back to his family’s campgrounds. Even though she’s said she’s known Austin for 15 years, Joy lets it slip that she’s actually only known him for five on two occasions during the segment. Hey, even five years in Duggar World is like thirty-five in normal-people time.

When he gets Joy perched precariously on the edge of the cliff, he calls her ‘Miss Joy Anna” as if to remind her that if she doesn’t accept him here and now, she doomed to be a spinster old school ma’rm or something. But, of course she accepts and volunteers to give up her life to be a Wombinator before hitting two decades of life.

Just before the end of the episode, we’re once again reminded that you can lose your virginity through hand holding (or at least get The Clap), and that it’s dangerous for your purity to touch icky yucky girls before the wedding. Great. Totes needed to know that. But apparently side-thigh rubbing is fine, because no one bitches when she sits next to him in the car on the way home.

We’re then given the opportunity to see what hi jinks await us next season (fuck my life in the ass): babies and shopping. Fucking yay.

So what do I think of Austin? Honestly, I don’t. He’s got the personality of wet sandpaper, and he preys on barely-legal girls because he wants to get his rocks off under holy circumstances. Boy howdy, I sure can’t wait for the three more season of his ass getting attention.