Counting On, Episode 3.3 Reviewed: The Duggars Blow (Chunks)

Like I said last week, if the highlight of your TV show for the week is watching one of your cast members puke by the roadside, you’re either at rock bottom or on Jersey Shore (and really, there’s not much of a difference), and at least Jersey Shore didn’t beat dead nuptial horses like this ass-wart of a show does. I just think it’s kind of hilarious that TLC thinks that, in the midst of the greatest Constitutional crisis since the Nixon Administration, and as the 240-year-old system that was America’s government comes melting down to a tragic ooze of it’s former self thanks to a humanoid Dorito with a narcissist complex and babydoll hands, we just HAVE to know what cheese Jinger will pick for her wedding day, or if Derick’s body really smells as bad as it looks.

Jinger is forcing a bunch of her siblings to help her move her stuff to Texas (and I bet she didn’t even buy them pizza and beer afterwards). Everyone is sad to see her go, and also find it weird that a married Duggar is moving to an actual place in an actual town not owned by Daddy Queerest. Oddly enough, after saying Jana was the best home decorator, Jessa says they left her at home this time, which is kind of like leaving swim instructor on the docks when boarding the Titanic, but whatever. Duggar logic.

Jessa correctly uses the term ‘in utero.’ I’m genuinely impressed. Then she says because this second incubation is being more difficult than the first time around, it must be a girl. Genuine impression gone.

So the totally-Christian-and-not-materialistic Duggars have a shit ton of suitcases (11!) to sent through, and I wonder how many refugees could be fed and housed with the amount of money it took to check all those bags. Jessa brags about their stash of stupid shit like a really charitable person. The girls and their 11 suitcases make it look suspiciously like they’re running a baby-smuggling ring…only all the babies are going to J’chelle to keep her simple little brain occupied. Josie must be six by now…six-year-olds are too complex for J’chelle to handle.

At the Dullards’ McMansion, the family decides to go out and run around. Derick jogs, and Jill slaps on her best biking skirt. I’m shocked as hell that they put a helmet on Izzy, considering Jill’s less-than-stellar history of inadvertent child endangerment.

Derick looks like he’s running away from being cast in a Tim Burton movie until he has to stop by the road side to spew red white and blue. He claims for the camera that he started hacking hairballs in eleventh grade…but from photos he still looked healthy in eleventh grade, so it’s pretty logical to conclude that it has nothing to do with why a stiff wind would sent him flying off to Oz. In doing some personal research out of curiosity, I found that having a hyperactive gag reflex while running is actually relatively common among athletes. So yeah, TLC hooked in the viewers with the ‘why is Derick so sick?’ thing, and then gave them all bullshit that explains nothing. I saw that one coming.

But at least we get some beautiful shots of spittle hanging out of his mouth as he’s doubled over. I bet he got paid by the drip for that scene.

The D-Haul crew arrives in Laredo, and Jinger greets Jeremy with a big giant BAAAAAAAAAAAAABE. Huh, I know how Derick feels now.

Coming Soon: A giant-ass ineffectual wall running through you backyard!

In this week’s edition of “Duggar Don’t Know Shit,” the Duggars apparently don’t know that Texas is the Lone Star State. ‘Siah guesses the ‘Get Her Done’ State…funny, that seems to be something he has difficulty with.

Anyway, the only state the Duggars seem to be familiar with is a state of confusion. Aaaaaaand moving on…

So while the crew moves shit around the apartment, Jessa shows off her bossy-boots Jim Bob genes and dictates what everyone else does, but does noticeably little herself. Yeah she can’t lift heavy things like sofas, but that doesn’t mean she couldn’t decorate or something. Jessa is the laziest jerk of the bunch.

I was a little surprised by the fact that Jeremy apparently is well-read. He has, like, four filled bookshelves (amateur…half of my garage is filled floor-to-ceiling with my literary acquisitions). Granted, they’re probably all theology and biblical stuff, but considering his wife and in-laws are barely literate, at least Jeremy isn’t a total waste of brain mass in that respect.

Jessa decides it’s a good idea to spend money that is probably Jeremy’s and not hers on new sofas. Joy decides to fuck all this shit and take a nap, making her the first Duggar daughter in Jeremy’s bed. At the couch store, the magic of discount furniture makes Jeremy realize he’s cleaving himself to a Duggar. Any sane man would run upon that epiphany, but I guess Jeremy hasn’t read through all of those books. Maybe they’re just decorations..or empty boxes made to look like books so he can hide the baggies of ganja Ben brings him.

Jessa tells Jinger as they arrange for a moving truck to cart the sofa away that she suggested Jimbo and J’chelle buy her a table from the same store as a wedding gift…making it the most impersonal ‘display of love’ they have done for one of their children since they spent Jenni’s birthday message talking about how good she is at washing dishes. Fuck, I bet Jenni’s wedding gift was more personal., and made/purchased in person to boot.

Speaking of, the Duggar boys DO put a little thought into their wedding gift and get Jinger her own vehicle for Texas. It takes the show a whole 6-minute segment to follow the dumb fucks as they go to an auction to get a car.

It rains a lot when Jinger and Jeremy are together. They think it might even rain on their wedding day. How ironic. Anyway, this tiny detail is enough to trigger a flashback montage. Fuck TLC for making me temporarily hate my favorite weather pattern.

The next day, all the heavy lifting is done in the apartment. The Duggars try and shove Jeremy’s stash of books into the closet, perhaps as a warning that book learnin’ ain’t allowed in this family no more. How rich coming from a bunch of assholes who don’t know what a duvet is. Anyway, this actually pisses Jeremy off…he’s REALLY attached to his books. This frightening me with all sincerity, because this means I have something in common with a Duggar. Books are my lifeblood. I would save my books over the lives of my hypothetical children. Without books, I am a hollow shell of a person with no hope for the future.

And for once, I am not being facetious.

Anyway, Jeremy caves like a little bitch who clearly is all talk and lets the books get stashed where they won’t be able to breathe or see the light of day. If it were me, Jessa would be leaving the house that afternoon with a nice healthy shiner for even suggesting such a thing. Jeremy closes the door with a solemn “A little piece of me just died.”

Get used to that shit, Jer. You’re a Duggar now.

Back on the other side of the Arkansas desert, The Imaginary Invalids go to the Doctor…hey look, they have an actual doctor they go to! He’s been a family friend for years but hasn’t seen Derick or Iz before, which means he probably has some slight biases on medicine and science…and logic. Izzy is measured and is, as we expected, a fatty-fatty two-by-four.

Derick asks the doctor about his gagging, but he really SHOULD be asking about why his face is imploding, and why his son weighs more than he does. Also, he should look into seeing a real orthodontist about the hack job to his palate. The Duggars are so beyond dumb, I have no doubt they came across a quack. They don’t know the difference between Jill playing with toys and a real midwife, so how could they spot the dangers of going under the knife of a surgeon who graduated from Trump University?

The doctor gives absolutely no help, and suggests seeing an allergist. Because an allergist would know a lot about barfing while running. Yes, Derick is allergic to running.

Then Dr. Hack examines Jill and she says that she feels find other than a few ‘complications from Central America.” Like….zika? Now that she’s pregnant, is her baby going to have microcephaly? Pshaw, probably not. If she did, the Duggars would be bumming prayers off their Facebook page like no tomorrow. Dr. Hack examines her carotids, and he hears an irregularity that indicates a narrowing of the artery, which could be a sign of a blockage near the heart.

NIKE!

They make a big deal about doing an ultrasound on Jill’s neck, but don’t actually do it.

Jessa continues to be a bitch to Jeremy about how he wants to decorate his own house, and then everyone goes home. You gotta love these stupid anti-climactic endings.