Something amazing happened last weekend, guys.
Millions of concerned Americans went to the Women’s March for Rights, and millions more worldwide joined us in solidarity. Even fucking Antarctica took a stand, making it the first protest represented on all seven continents.
Of course, the Duggars and their satellite clans had to make it all about ‘baby killing,’ (it didn’t help that the March for “Life” took place the following day…Duggar selfies abounded as usual) with Ben Seewald’s father even going so far as to say this:
Well, Michael Seewald can go fuck himself in his tight, hairy asshole…with a cactus filled with sulfuric acid. Women around the world stood up and said they they will not go gently into the dark nights we are facing. We told all men that we are equals, worth of respect, protection under the law, and autonomy. And a Neo-Nazi got punched in the face, which was pretty sweet. I think I’m going to save that clip and loop it whenever I feel depressed.
Then, of course, Trump responded by signing an anti-abortion law on Monday. More anal cactus fucking is requested. This is what we have to look forward to the next four years, ladies. Shouting at the top of our lungs and not ever being heard…
Before I start the review, I just wanted to tell every woman, from single black mothers working three jobs just to feed their kids, to upper-class CEO’s housewives who experience all the privilege, to school teachers struggling to make the rent, to newborn daughters blissfully unaware at just how unfair it is to be born with a vagina: they suppress us because they fear us. Since the beginning of time, women have had the power to bring forth life, the power to sustain life, the power to withstand immense amounts of diseases and pain, the power to work with incredible fortitude, the gift of a longer lifespan to oversee and guide the lives we create and sustain, and the gift of wisdom granted by those long lives. Human men have brawn and ego in the way male peacocks have brighter plumage and male lions are larger and have cooler manes.
Think about that: men fear us. They take away the right to our bodies because they want to control us…but they know what we’re capable of. If they didn’t control us, they would have to face the fact that women are strong…perhaps stronger than they are. In the natural order, humanity is still here, including the men who beat us down, because WE WERE, ARE, AND WILL ALWAYS BE HERE. We need to fight for our power. It’s ours. Take it, my sisters.
As for the men, we’re not asking that you bow down to us. We’re not asking for more. We’re asking for equality. Acknowledge that women are amazing, on the same level as you under the eyes of whatever Creator you believe in, and give all of us the dignity and autonomy we deserve.
Now, let’s get to the yuk-yuks, because I’m sure that’s what you came here for.
First thing’s first, the episode’s official title is “Could it be twins??” Spoilers…no.
So the first segment, where Benessa come over to the Dullards’ McMansion so Jill can play pretend midwife and send her not-so-vague pro-life messages out into the world, is not worth much time going over. I’m not really sure why Jessa isn’t going to see a real doctor for a real exam. Granted, no one works so she can;t have job-offered health insurance, but the entire Duggar family is worth more than the GDP of some sub-Saharan African nations, so I’m calling bullshit on the not being able to afford insurance schpiel.
The Dullards answer the door with their Dora The Explorer-level Spanish, and Izzy tries to run out the door. I knew that kid was smarter than his parents. The infant cousins mess around as two year-olds do while the adults gush over it. Little to they know the kids are actually planning an epic Alcatraz-style breakout.
Jill lies about being a certified professional midwife, then cooes about how fun it is to play doctor with her sister while Ben watched with glazed-over interest. The heart rate is varied, so they can’t discern a sex from the old wives’ tale that a certain beat rate equals a certain sex, but Benessa, along with myself, are gunning for another boy. So, yes, Dr. Jilly-Muff is a ‘certified midwife’ who believes in old wives’ tales. How the actual fuck has Dr. Muff not accidentally killed some woman’s baby and been arrested for fraud?
The Duggar siblings are asked to name the baby. Joy says ‘Maximus’, which sounds like something Kanye would name his kid (if ‘God’ or ‘Al Mighty’ weren’t on the table). Jed says ‘Hezekiah,” which roughly translates to “everyone thinks I’m Amish but I’d actually be better off if I was.” ‘Siah thinsk they should slowly spell out ‘S-e-e-w-a-l-d,’ with their kids names,. so the next kid should have an ‘E’ name. Hmm…let me try that, actually…
A- Al Rightthisisenough
L- Lord Helpusthisisentirelytoomanykidsforsomeoneunderthirty
Still better than “Renesmee.”
On the other side of Duggarville, Jinger is still planning for the wedding we already saw by inviting a family friend over to taste test food for the reception (which puts this wedding bounds above “Powdered Lemonade Jill” and “November in the Parking Lot” Jessa). The lady brings half of Olive Garden over to the house, because Italian. I feel like that’s the official Vuolo family motto. Vuolo: Because, Italian. If someone can design a family crest for that and send it to me, I would love you forever.
Meanwhile, Jinger can’t even pronounce pasta names, and says the Duggars should be represented in the food by…of course…pickles. That’s amore.
Jill cuts in to talk about planning a wedding on a ‘shoestring budget.” Um, yeah, Dr. Muffinstein, we know you’re a cheat and a con like your Daddy. Your family has a giant net worth and yet Ebeneezer Duggar can’t be moved to throw a few real dollars at you for your wedding day. Meanwhile, if I ever get married, I won’t even be able to afford a taxi to drive me to the courthouse.
So after Jinger cuts the cheese, and the camera crew asks the kids “If Jinger were a cheese…” (wow, I just realize just how important this show is to the collective cultural identity of America), we see Anna for the first time this season as she and Jill take some of the babies to an indoor playground. Anna says she doesn’t know how soon Jill will be back “overseas, even though any fifth grader will tell you that there is no ocean or sea that separates Central America from North America…in fact in continental terms it’s still considered “North America.” It’s almost as funny as the fact that the Dullards told their family that they actually intended to go back.
Izzy gets a little possessive about a toy car he’s riding around in, and Jill remarks that he’s in the “Training Twos.” I guess this means the age where they plop him on a big and beat the hell out of him whenever he moves. Jill’s a fucking idiot for saying that on air.
Then the idiot TLC crew asks the bachelor children for advice on how to wrangle little children, because they know a lot from raising their siblings while their mother was off whoring for the cameras elsewhere. Jill seems daunted with the idea of having four kids, but she quickly erases the thought, because God is supposed to give you the strength to raise them all. Tell that to Andrea Yates.
So, we’re barely halfway through the episode (spare me), but thankfully, we get to Flame’s part next. TLC coerced him to play a concert near Benessa’s home, and so Ben cannot wait to meet up with the Alexander Hamilton to his John Laurens. And no, I refuse to make Ben the Alexander Hamilton…he’s not cool enough. Laurens was great, but he died young and was known for being socially awkward. Ben is definitely a Laurens.
Anyways, after powering up with food and Ben reminding us that he tried to rap once (looking like he’s trying to take a poop while doing it), they plop some headphones on Spuds and go off to the concert, playing Flame’s music all the way. It’s so obvious how much Ben is in love with Flame. Meanwhile, as with all of the Flame segments, Jessa just sort of exists and lets Ben have his fanboy time. Another reason why I can tolerate these bits: Jessa gets shoved off to the sidelines. There’s something cathartic about seeing that go down.
Flaaaaaaame is baaaaaaaaack, and so is Sea Anemone Head!
The Seewalds go backstage to chill with the motley crew of Flamers, Suds gets to play with the scratch table, and Anemone Head approves. Then, TLC forces Flame to ruin his own concert for a plot point by inviting Ben onstage to make an ass out of himself during one of the numbers and squirt water guns at people.
So the show has the buzzkill audacity to back to Jinger’s oh-so-fascinating meeting with the Not-Sierra (thank fucking Jesus) wedding planner, but, let’s get the fuck back to Flame, because I’m already goddamn sick of watching Jinger plan a wedding we already saw.
At the concern, Ben is getting over-excited and over-nervous about running onstage for fifteen seconds to squirt people in the audience (with a WATER GUN, pervs). Jessa gives zero shits because the day isn’t about her, so she doesn’t even bother to watch the show, spending the whole time with Spurge backstage. Spuds give his review of the show:
Ben, sadly, doesn’t trip on his ass. End of episode.
Next time on Duggar Land: we get to see Derick barf on the side of the road!