I’m no longer going to deny that this show will outlive us all. The cycle of courtships, weddings, and disgusting and bloody live births is in perpetual motion, and will be right up until Jim Boob’s ancient, half-paralyzed sack of cells walks Josie down the aisle. By then, The Pervert Son will be ready to begin macking on his own daughters on their wedding days for the cameras (after his inevitable return…it’s gonna happen, guys). And thus, Counting On will outlive cockroaches.
At this point, I really don’t have much to add to the amazing amount of dullness TLC is heaping upon us. We saw Jinger’s wedding, yet the better half of the season is going to be her planning her nuptials, all while having all the hand sex with Jeremy. The other half will be stroking Jessa’s ego as she continues to out-womb her sisters. The finale will include Jill’s announcement, because the Dillards are no longer in Central America to soak up five minutes of ‘sympathy air’ over FaceTime. Ben will continue to give me evidence that he has a stash of Sour Diesel under his pillow, J’chelle and Boob will continue to make cameos that make my teeth shiver, and we’ll get John David trying desperately to tell the world just how single he is over shots of him running heavy machinery…because I guess that’s the Duggars’ version of a mating dance.
I just hope Flame comes back for an episode. Counting On is so white and bland I swear to God my computer screen leaks oatmeal at the end of every episode.
The episode begins with Jessa narrating what our sorry asses get to expect this season on Counting On. Jinger wedding prep, blah blah. Babies, blah. Joy Anna courting, blah. Derick hacking his guts out on the side of the road, blah. At least Flame is coming back for an episode! And Ben’s going to rap again…in front of real live people!! God, I hope Flame included a ‘no refunds after the first two minutes’ proviso in his ticket sales.
Jinger is going wedding dress shopping in Virginia, because no self-respecting Arkansas bridal boutique would give a Duggar a freebie dress. We get a quick recap of the engagement narrated by Jeremy, who is excited to finally have a live-in servant to follow him and shove his genetic offspring out of her cooch every 9-18 months.
Everyone gets asked what Jinger’s style is, and while some of them admit she’s ‘unique,’ I have to disagree, considering all the damn Duggar girls share clothes, with the exception of Joy, who has the audacity to be a few sizes bigger than her skeletal sisters. You can’t be unique if literally all your clothes go in a communal closet. That’s like calling me graceful because I took one dance class in high school.
We’re treated to a many-minutes segment of just the girls sitting on a day bed and gushing over wedding dress ideas. It’s stupid and it’s a waste of film.
So everyone heads to Virginia, leading off with a weird sort-of fake Abbey Road shot of the Duggars at the airport. I’m not really sure if this is supposed to mean anything (other than maybe the 76th Annual Hunger Games are beginning). Watch out, guys! The camera folks are getting artsy!
The girl gang arrives at the wedding dress shop, where they are greeted by a woman dressed like a starting flag at a NASCAR race, who runs the shop, and a post-op transgender Beetlejuice, who is going to help with the designing and fitting. TransBeetlejuice says Jeremy ‘did great’ with Jinger…alluding to…what, exactly? What did he do to her? Edit her software? Both shop ladies look and act like those upper-class neighborhood housewives who you just want to set on fire every time they flash their obvious veneers, but, sadly, no spontaneous combustions were involved in the making of this episode.
Michelle says this time is ‘precious.’ Michelle, you’re anus is fucking ‘precious’ in your world. Please, for the love of Pete, fucking stop using that word, you baby-voiced decommissioned womb woman!
Jinger comes out in dress #1. She looks like a Little Marshmallow on the Prairie. The camera slow-mos her entrance, as if to say “whee! We’re artsy and deep and meaningful over here!” All I can think of is that TLC has literally resorted to slowing down the shots to fill up their time. Jill looks mentally challenged. J’Chelle looks like she’s riding high on Molly (Ben must be her connection). Jessa looks pissed the attention isn’t on her.
Seriously, she looks like someone pulled her out of an overflowing washing machine and forgot to rinse the soap off. She’s drowning in virginal-as-snow white.
The ladies twitter over sleeves, modest necklines, and other shit no one would willingly tune in to see as we hit the 20 minute mark. This wedding dress plot is all we’ve had so far. This show is a nightmare for anyone with an attention span below ‘Gettysburg Address: Director’s Cut.’
Of course Jill gets a moment to flash back and make the moment about when she snuck up on Derick (who, back then, looked just like a dumb human and not a dumb Duggar) like John Wayne Gacy in that creepy first-look shot. Jill’s dress, as I’ve said before, was not very good. It was heavy, awkward, and didn’t even really move when she moved.
The laundromat dress gets rejected. Shocker.
After the cut, we see dress two, and it isn’t much better. Thing is, we know Jinger gets her real dress designed based on what she liked and didn’t like. So, really, all of this was for naught, because that’s when you go look at pictures and commission a dressmaker from there. You don’t make a weekend getaway in Virginia out of it! Oh, wait, the Duggars do, because if they just lived their normal lives for the camera, we’d be watching 45-minute chunks of film featuring homophobic drivel and paint drying.
The episode cuts to the testosterone-filled manly men getting ice cream with their offspring while the girls shop. They go to a lame-ass cart that literally has one flavor (vanilla) and a bunch of toppings. Dude, boring. They even put the ice cream in take-out boxes (to…add…kisch?), which they eat out of while the babies snooze. Jeremy’s father wonders if they should’ve woken the kids up for ice cream, but they decide to fuck it and keep the sugar to themselves. I’d say something negative, but honestly, the more time those boys spend dreaming they live with normal families, the less likely they are to need psychiatric care later on.
Ben asks Mr. V about parenting two children instead of one. He gives zero useful tips, instead saying to enjoy it when the parent-to-child ratio is 1:1. Only he says this in dumbass football terms, because men. And Ben. Ben men.
Back at the god-damned bridal shop, Jinger tries on dress #3 in slow-mo again. Seriously, it’s corny as hell and twice and stupid. It’s also awkward watching TransBeetlejuice fluff the skirt out in slow-mo. Anyway, as it turns out, all the talk of designing a brand-new style dress for Jinger, she just up and picks #3, because when the wedding day ends, she can use the massive train as a living room rug.
By the way, where the fuck did Jeremy go? He wasn’t with the guys eating ice cream, he wasn’t at the dress shop…did he just find a wormhole and come out in another universe? Huh, lucky guy.
So…what completes a Duggar episode better than a scene where the family does something trite that in no way ties into the rest of the episode?? That’s right! We get to watch the Duggar posse go to a knockoff of Painting with a Twist for an evening of painting shit. The place is so cheap that it makes the group paint in pairs. Oh, and, of course, everything they do is going to Jinger for her new home, because in Duggarland, if you aren’t getting your ass married, you get NOTHING for yourself.
I would’ve drawn a giant penis with the caption “Things on canvas are larger than they appear in real life.”
Each group presents their picture to Jinger. Ben actually pulls off a not-too-bad cup of coffee picture. Boring, and Ben has no concept of eye movement, horizons, or lighting placement, but it’s not terrible.
Joy and Jana painted a sad girl standing in the rain. Also a semi-decent piece, but considering that this is supposed to be a wedding gift, the mood is really depressing. It’s almost like a hidden message that everyone about Jinger’s meaningless, futile existence will come to sad, sad dust and blow away in a rainstorm.
The Dullards decide to break the rules and forgo the premade designs set out for them, and paint the Happy Couple.
Jesus fuck, that’s really creepy.
While all this painting crap goes down, Jessa escapes with the kids into the night, until she’s caught several days later at the Mexican border. The end.
Ugh, this was a 45-minute Say Yes to the Dress special, only with more fluff and less gay. And this is the way it will go on and on and on and on and forever and ever and ever……