In keeping with my strike against reviewing the actual ‘episodes’ of Counting On, as they still seem to be stuck on the concept of using old 19KaC footage and calling it interesting, I am going to be doing what several of my readers have requested I do instead: take a crack at Jim Bob’s official ‘Courtship Application.’
In last week’s ‘episode,’ the married Duggars apparently revealed that Jim Blob, in fact, has men who wish to date his daughters fill out a 50+ question application in order to vet them for suitability. People seemed to be surprised, but when I heard this, I wasn’t very surprised at all. You mean the patriarchal head of a cult that treats women like breeding cattle actually sees his female progeny as possessions? Did you guys not see the Josh and Anna wedding episode where Mr. Keller literally referred to a wedding as a ‘transfer of authority?!’ In Duggarland, chastity belts are more feminist.
Question #1: Tell Me A Little About Yourself.
That’s not a question as much as it is a demand, but I suppose if I join your clan, I should get used to that.
I’m in my late-20s with ambitions to become either an art or theater teacher at some point (if I can gather the funds to get my touchas to graduate school, like, ever). I understand education might automatically disqualify me from courting a Duggar child, but just hear me out. More education means more money, right? More money means less money I need to grift off your fifteen fans and the less dishonor I bring to the family!
I had standard middle-class upbringing in suburban Upstate New York. Standard public schooling, standard college education (private school!), and I have no criminal record, no major health problems, no history of rebellion against my parents. In fact, the worst thing I ever did as a teenager was sneak out of my window at midnight the night Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was released so I could get picked up in my friend’s car at the corner and attend the release party at Barnes and Noble. Ha, I wasn’t even grounded for anything (and I was seventeen) so I probably could have just…
…well, fuck. Harry Potter is Satanic to you people too, isn’t it? Um…
…scratch that! Shall we move on?
Question #6: Describe your romantic history. Be as detailed as possible.
Well, let’s play this out both ways, shall we?
First, let’s assume I’m a female requesting approval to court one of your sons. I’m sure you want to see that my answer reads “None” or “N/A,” or, if I really want to kiss your ass, “What is a boy like, because I’ve never met one before?” However, seeing as 99% of the developed world doesn’t hold their children’s’ labia hostage until their wedding nights, you’re not likely to get that response from anyone far enough removed from your circle of acquaintances to warrant a ‘getting to know you’ application in the first place.
Now, here’s where I can totally lie my face off to you and get away with it, because ‘your people’ still buy into the Myth of the Almighty Hymen. Hymens don’t break, nor do they rip, tear, or even bleed very much. How the hell does period blood leave the body with an ‘intact hymen’ anyway? So, yeah, Jimbo. I’m totally pure as the driven snow. My cave of wonders has never invited a trouser snake to a sleepover. My downstairs neighbor hasn’t eaten any sausage. Ms. Cooter hasn’t done a pole dance. No hot dogs down this hallway.
Now, let’s play a male asking for a Duggar daughter…I’m going to assume you omit this question, because you let Derick and Jeremy into the family, and both guys went to real live college, and one of them (Jeremy), even had a wild lifestyle where he dressed in drag and got arrested. Double standards? What ARE those?!
As for “giving my heart away,” before, well, I tried donating some of my organ tissue to science, but I guess it’s important to have your whole heart, because it beats blood around your body and keeps you alive and shit. And “heart” in the proverbial sense was written in the ancient times as a metaphor because the Ancient Greeks thought the heart was what controlled emotion and not the brain. Please note that the Ancient Greeks also believed a giant naked man held the Earth aloft on his shoulder.
Question #17: On a scale of one to ‘hopelessly addicted,’ how would you rate your love of pickles?
Zero. Pickles are gross., and if this is meant to be a subtle hint at asking whether or not I’d be willing to blow you…subtract another fifty from said zero.
Question #23: How important are children to you and your future?
I suppose procreating is a
n evolutionary Jesus-centric necessity…or was, back when humanity needed to worry about fleas giving us plague and depleting us as a species. I might even want to have one or two myself one day, if I can get over my pathological fear of my own organs and mucus membranes existing and working autonomously. But from where I stand right now, I can safely say that I’m not aching to have a baby tomorrow.
Now, if you haven’t chucked this surely-Satanic paper into the furnace, let me give you the answers YOU want to hear.
FEMALE APPLICANT: As many as God will give me as soon as possible! It’s so wonderful to realize my true purpose by pulling a conveyor belt right up to my open crotch and grabbing my ankles, shooting babies out like little fleshy cannonballs! I can’t wait until my breasts hang like wind chimes around my knees and my uterus prolapses and hangs outside my body, like a badge of honor directly from God saying “Well done, Mommy!” When I die of reproductive cancer at the age of fifty-five thanks to the overdose of hormones ravaging my delicate insides and leave my eighteen children without a mother or caretaker, I will be thrilled to go into His Loving Arms in an afterlife that totally, 100%, irrefutably exists with a renewed twat as tight as the contract between you, TLC, and Beelzebub.
MALE APPLICANT: As many as God will give me as soon as possible! Especially because the more babies I have means the more orgasms I get! And it’s not like I have to take care of them and shit, amirite?
Question #31: Exactly how many dollars are in your bank account?
Seeing as I belong to the plebeian class, the right answer in every situation for me is: never enough.
However, I know this isn’t at all about “can you support my child on your salary?” This is about dowry, isn’t it? Or, even worse, about how financially dependent I would have to be on you in my married life? Why else would you really give two shits about my financial situation?
I mean, seriously, that question is borderline intrusive and judgmental, as I so eloquently had a breakdown about before. I know you’re a grimy, two-faced social climber, but should it matter if a child of yours marries a neurosurgeon over a construction worker? Or if my job isn’t 100% compliant with your religious lifestyle (i.e. anything but a pastor or missionary) for that matter? As long as your progeny are happy, who cares if their intended is a bohemian drifter who lives from paycheck to paycheck? Does it just not fit your image? If you’re concerned about an in-law fitting in to your picture-frame image of what a good family life is, well, here’s a reality check for you:
In-laws aren’t supposed to be eternal nagging bitches like in the movies! Hot Christ on crackers! They’re supposed to give you lame Christmas gifts for you to re-gift back and forth over the years, make nasty-ass green bean casseroles on your birthday, and nag you every month about grandchildren. That’s, like, it. If your child’s spouse isn’t up to your social or financial standards, you just shrug and bitch under your breath. Stop being such a nosy dickmunch.
Question #38: How open are you to uprooting your entire existence to live as an indentured servant to your future father-in-law?
MALE APPLICANT: If it gets me some sweet Christian poonta–err–bah, you’re voting for Donald Trump, I can say it. I want to bang your daughter…a lot. I know, that gets you hot too, right? You seem to be in to that ambiguously-incestuous line-crossing.
FEMALE APPLICANT: Negotiate that detail with my father. He’s overseeing the transfer of authority. Wait…am I supposed to know a word as big as ‘negotiate?’
Question #50: Tell me about how you became a Christian, and how you came to the Lord.
I didn’t, and my personal religious beliefs are none of your damn business, Jimbo.
To me, the Lord is like a plate of cookies. If there’s one offered to you, you can choose to take one and satisfy something inside you, or choose not to take one. If you don’t take a cookie, you don’t really lose out on anything. If you do take a cookie, you’re just adding something that has a pleasant taste to your palate, but overall, is empty calories that indulge a mental hunger over a physical one.
Also, consider how many different KINDS of cookies there are in existence. You have chocolate chip, which, like Christianity, is famous, widespread, and appeals to a ton of people. You also have oatmeal raisin, Mallomars, peanut butter, thin mint, etc. Some flavors don’t come around as frequently as others do, but many people still love them. Some people can’t decide on a flavor, and some don’t like cookies at all. Some like crunchy cookies, soft cookies, or even raw cookie dough. But in the end, each cookie still gives us the comfort of a sweet taste but doesn’t really add nutritional value to our diets, which is why religion should not be the sole factor in choosing a life partner or how to live out one’s life. If you ate nothing but cookies, you’d be a fat load of shit who couldn’t see beyond the end of his fourth chin with several new kinds of diabetes previously undiscovered by doctors.
To me, religion is a man-made concept that is meant to supplement our peace-of-mind, as humans are the only species (as far as we know, anyway) that is conscious of our own mortality. As such, many people require that comfort in believing in something beyond our earthly lives that keeps our souls intact and aware.
By the way, I put this answer in terms of cookies because you look like you eat about fifty pastries a day, Dough Boy.
Question #51: Before you submit this application for my approval, do you have any questions for me?
Yes. What fucking planet were you exiled from?