I’m not doing it.
Nope. Niet. Nein. Non. いいえ
You can’t make me, readers.
I legitimately and genuinely believed last week that it was the last episode for a while (not forever, sadly, as we all know TLC won’t cancel shit now that the Cycle of Courtships has begun anew). The way last week ended, with a ‘big announcement,’ followed by brief flashbacks, recollections over whats happened, and a drive-off-into-the-sunset final shot, it was the perfect setup to say g’bye until Season 3. Oh, nooooooooooooooo. Wouldn’t you know it, the motherfuckers pulled one over on ol’ G! Let’s not bother following the conventions of natural storytelling, TLC! After all, when have we ever done that?! Let’s conclude and put an epilogue at the end of an episode that doesn’t even end the season!
Look, I love you guys so, so much. Everything I do here is for your amusement. But how many goddamn times must I sit through a flashback episode of Counting On and subsequently relay that information to you with sarcasm, trashy humor, and poorly-edited photos of Jim Boob with Luigi from Super Mario Bros. over his dumpy face? How can you even review such a formula and keep it fresh when that formula has made up a solid forth of the episodes in the show?
The fact is, I can’t keep it fresh unless I tap out this week and take things in a new direction. I know, I’ve already opted out once this season, but this is for your sake, reader, as well as mine.
Oh, by the way, this is how TVGuide.com so eloquently describes the episode:
Highlights from Season 2 are recalled at a Duggar family gathering, which also features a surprise guest.
Highlights? HIGHLIGHTS?! You’ve got to be kidding me, right? Unless the entire episode consists of Flame living up to his name and setting Ben on fire while trying to work the grill, I’m calling bull-to-the-shit on that one.
As for ‘surprise guest,’ we all know it’s Jeremy. How special. He only appeared in every other episode of the season. Way to hook the viewers, dipshits.
The entire season (at least, up until now) has been a madcap attempt by the family to pull a Birdcage-style political move by putting a down-home country courtship/white wedding in front of what really matters (which is, of course, that the Duggars are terrible people who actively try to ruin other peoples’ lives while raising up their own) in order to look good and make a paycheck. TLC eats out of Jim Bob’s hand faster than a starving rabid weasel staring at a palm full of bacon.
Not only has TLC done the flashback episode before, but they’ve done the courtship/wedding story arc THREE TIMES in the past. The entire show is nothing but redundancy and boredom. Granted, TLC as an entire channel has become a mega shit show with nothing but fake reality shows shoving strangers into marriage and fat-shaming people, but this show takes the stupidity cake in that it literally hasn’t had an ounce of new material in it. Everything is either ‘one of the girls is doing something for once that she’ll never do again so fans don’t think they’re legal slaves’ or ‘no ding-ding without a wedding ring,’ or ‘the socially-inept kids are shoved into reality for about fifteen seconds, insert fake drama, everything turns out hunky-dory.’ Even the two babies barely get any screen time, which is a shame, because those kids can’t talk yet, so by law, they’re the best characters on the program.
So, there you go. You don’t need my review this week. You missed absolutely nothing.
However, I do have a treat in store for you guys in the next few days that will hopefully make up for my laziness/pathological fear of Duggar flashbacks. I’ll be reviewing something much more entertaining just in time for Halloween. 🙂
In the meantime, bear with me, readers, and thank you for understanding that my joke well has run dry for the time being.