Note, my readers, that I considered titling this one “How to Make the Autumn of an Election Year After a Summer with Record Numbers of Terror Attacks and Murdered Innocents All About A Duggar,” but it didn’t catch.
While we wait for the blessed new season of Counting On to begin, and Jinger’s new season of what-most-people-wouldn’t-call-life-but-whatever to commence, let’s examine what really goes in to making a Duggar Transfer-of-Authority Day complete, from head to toe. For much like any reality television show, the juiciest parts of any special occasion are saved for behind the camera…
…tee-hee. Just kidding.
I’ve been to enough weddings to know how the average event functions in American culture. And wedding culture varies greatly even within our society. I personally love looking up cool wedding traditions from around the world, because diversity is why this world is awesome (at times). But, across all borders, traditions, and ideas, one thing remains consistent: a wedding is a ritual meant to bind you to another, legally and mentally. In most cases, there’s a few little details about love thrown in there as well.
So what makes a Duggar wedding so different? How does one go about making sure the big day that most people (hopefully) remember for the rest of their lives as high-profile, low-budget, and bat shit insane as can be? Well, wonder no more! I have complied (in six simple steps) everything you need to know about making your wedding day as needlessly convoluted and saccharine as possible!
Step 1- Schedule the wedding for tomorrow. If you can’t, as soon as possible so your loins don’t fall off before you get to the ceremony.
As the Duggars so famously suggest, a short engagement is always best. After all, not that much goes into planning a formal event for a guest list of 1,000 acquaintances. There’s only a dress, cake, dinner menu, travel arrangements, venue, decor, themes, bridal party, honeymoon travel arrangements, itinerary for the event, seating, music, who performs the ceremony, legalities such as licenses, bridal party outfits, colors, table settings, vows, gift registry, rehearsal dinner location, rehearsal dinner menu, rehearsal, reception games or activities, who gets stuck hauling around Aunt Muriel in her wheelchair, and whether or not you will be releasing doves or butterflies after the kiss.
It’s really only a week’s work if you take half-hour lunches.
This is necessary in order to keep your God-given wedding gift for your spouse-to-be intact. All of the hand sex you are now permitted to have needs to be kept in check as you flit around making arrangements. In fact, the less you see of your intended before the wedding, the better. You’ve gotten to know each other enough during the chaperoned courtship on all of those dates with your 10-year-old sister watching you at Chuck E Cheese.
Step 2- Be as cheap as possible, at least when it comes to everyone who isn’t you.
Your first move in this step is to hire the most insipid, uneducated, annoying family friend to be your wedding planner. If she doesn’t fuck up at least three times, she’s not doing it right.
If you’re shipping in out-of-town relatives you barely speak with to witness your blessed event, be sure to feed them the finest in powdered lemonade, root beer floats…and nothing else. Also, no one likes having an indoor reception after a long day of driving/flying and wedding-watching, and in such a case, the church parking lot will be your best bet to accommodate your friends and family. The last thing the weary traveler wants is to be able to sit down in a climate-controlled space to a full meal in an intimate setting, especially after flying out on their own dime. Making them stand in a blustery parking lot with dixie cups full of lemonade tells your long-distance relatives you thought of them on your wedding day, and thank you for the expensive gifts.
Step 3- Getting married means you’re a princess now. Let the plebeians do your dirty work.
You will have so much to do in planning your big day, that you will most certainly need help. While you toil away in holding bridal gown fashion shows and picking out coordinated honeymoon swim sacks with your intended, have your worker bees take care of the miscellaneous worries, like sewing the bridal party’s dresses into more modest versions (just choosing a modestly-cut dress to begin with is too easy). If you happen to have an older sister, tap her to be your head slave. If she’s a spinster, she cannot say no, or God will set her life on fire.
If you had duties and responsibilities in your household prior to engagement, feel free to stack those on the assuredly strong shoulders of your Head Slave. You’re engaged now, ready to fulfill your true purpose as a woman! You have every right to shirk away from your chores in order to focus intently on how many babies you can house in a walk-in-closet before CPS is called.
On the big day, expect things to go wrong, like for the wedding ring to go missing, or a dress to not be high enough at the collar. Place all the blame on your Head Slave for not working fast enough and hard enough. She’s just jealous of you as she sits alone in her sea of duties because her uterus remains fruitless, and yours is about to become a God-blessed 3D Printer for human DNA.
Step 4- Your wedding is all about Daddy.
As you well know, your wedding day is about the transfer of authority and lordship over your whole existence from one man to another. And who else is more affected by that sudden, drastic change than your Daddy?
Make the wedding day as much about Poppa as possible. You will be his favorite child for today, so always be sure to let him know how appreciative you are that he remembered your name on this blessed day by flirting subtly with him while he is alone with you before the ceremony starts. Winking, sexual jokes about being barefoot and pregnant, and other vaguely incestuous remarks are appropriate. Remember, your brother was the one that raped you as a child, not Daddy. He just covered it up and made you apologize (as you should have).
Pops may even be slightly emotional over having one less soul in his
capture employment inner circle of control, so you should consider this as you push aside your own feelings about this drastic change of life in order to accommodate his own emotions. It will also help if you remind him that food will be served within the hour.
Step 5- Make a big deal out of your private life, or no one will know why you’re getting married.
It cannot be stressed enough that you’ve saved your first kiss for marriage (if you haven’t saved your first kiss, skip this step and don’t get married because, frankly, you’re a harlot and a wanton and no one loves you). Be sure that every wedding guest who walks through the threshold into the sanctuary before the ceremony knows that your lips (both kinds) are as pure as the driven snow. The more you say it, the more people will believe you.
A wedding is not complete until the first kiss is executed, so be sure to do so properly. An over-dramatic dip created the proper angle at which the male mouth can press awkwardly up against yours, open or closed. Your groom should know to grab your cheeks forcefully has he yanks your face to his, symbolizing his complete possession of you, and your everlasting consent to be ‘joyfully available.’ The more slobber, the better the kiss, and the more babies you will have than your mother.
In short, you saved your first kiss for marriage. Tell everyone again. Enlist your Daddy’s help in telling the world, because this is the part of the day he is looking forward to the most (other than the food).
You’re not bragging enough. Your wedding is illegitimate and will be annulled unless you meet your bragging quota. Hurry!
Step 6- Remember what’s most important on your big day: The Big Night.
Finally, it is important to never lose sight about the true purpose of marriage…YOU GET TO DO THE NASTAAAAY! Awwwwww yeah!
In what has likely been less than six months, you’ve gone from never knowing a man’s touch to having his anointed sword enter your sacred scabbard, and it’s understandable that you might have a few reservations about this. Especially seeing as there was no alcohol at the wedding to ease your mind, nor was there anyone to explain to you was sex is about or how it is done. Hell, you only just learned about why your lady bits bleed about a year ago, and that was by accident!
While your fiance goes about making all the embarrassing, immodest jokes about what is going to happen later tonight, imagine as much as you can. Imagining will be the only way you are expected to learn about sex. It is dirty and immoral for anyone (even a parent or older sister) to tell you how it happens, and you WILL be expected to bang as much as you can on your honeymoon without your legs flying off. Just take some decent guesses and you’ll be fine. If your wedding night does not end in a pregnancy, you’re doing it wrong and you should be ashamed. Because it is always the bride’s fault.
If you follow these six simple steps before and on your wedding day, your married life is sure to be rife with love, bounty, and hundreds of fat children. This is the one day in your entire life that you will hold value and meaning, so be sure to rub it in everyone’s faces while you can, because the second you return home from the honeymoon, you will most likely go back to your rightful place scrubbing the skid marks out of your new husband’s underwear as he goes out and plays football with his homies.