Jill & Jessa Reviewed: Episode Three- The One in Which Nothing Happens

I would like to point out that this was the synopsis for tonight’s episode:

When a one-year-old eating a pickle and a man-child taking care of a boy-child are the highlight of the episode, you know you’ve jumped the shark about four episodes ago. And this is episode three. Also, I’m really not sure I get TLC’s obsession with keeping the Duggars relevant through these dumb home improvement projects. If I wanted to see bumbling morons build shit, I’d go to the Planned Parenthood and watch the anti-abortion protesters build up their personal fire pits in Hell.

Does TLC think we’re into any of this? Sincerely? The second riveting episode lost over 300,000 viewers. The re-runs on Sundays don’t even crack the top 50. And really, why would anyone watch this when they could watch people on HGTV do the same thing, and then actually tell you how to do it and not be a self-loving prick about it? 19KaC tried to stay relevant in between weddings and births by going on trips and insulting people of different cultures. J&J is already a sinking ship, and their angle seems to be ‘projects! homespun! because we’re humble as fuck and don’t you forget it!’ With a little ‘Jana’s totally going to be in a courtship by the season finale!’ thrown in. I’m still placing my chips on Paunchy Pete from last week’s electric bullshit-aloo.

So the format this week is going to be slightly different in order to conserve my time and sanity. I’m going to review/highlight the parts in chunks instead of a play-by-play. Hopefully, this condenses the review, and I can go back to watching intellectually-stimulating programming.

In part one, Ben does NOT babysit Spud as Jessa goes out for some infant-free time with Anna at a coffee shop called “Seriously, Don’t Fucking Use Our Name on TV, Our Business Will Sink Faster Than the Titanic.” They really drill into our heads that it’s NOT babysitting when it’ your own damn kid, which is SO TOTALLY NOT correcting Derick Dullard’s fuck-up last year.  Ben also gets concerned that the kid will need boob dairy and wig out. Because you can’t pump your breast milk into a bottle for such occasions, you know. That’s so stupid, y’all.

Meanwhile, Jinger suddenly gets the idea that car-flipping is so totes her thing, so she brings her big, strong, smart manly-man siblings to help her because car flipping isn’t girly. TLC just wants us to think girls can do what boys do. But as we saw last week, all the girls are good for are the ideas…the boys have to do all the shit for them. The siblings pimp Jinger out like they did Jana last week, which leads to TLC re-asking the obnoxious ratings-whoring question, “Courting, bitch?” Jinger gives the standard “Fuck off, you’d see stalkerazzi pics if I was!”

Not pictured: Camera Guy dangling a pickle on a fishing hook off screen

It’s really pathetic how TLC is trying to get around the fact that no Duggar is getting hand-sexed up by being all ‘but which one…?’ Guys, shut up. After Josh’s bullshit last year, I’d be surprised if a human every walks past a Duggar again without their genitals involuntarily shrinking to the size of a lima bean and curling up into their pelvis. Marjorie nearly got caught in the trap but broke free, and, again, unless TLC and Humbert Bob Humbert are playing a time game with Jana, nothing is happening.

Jessa, Jana, and Anna go out for coffee, because of you’re not fascinated by home improvement, you’ve got to love people going to restaurants! At home, Ben doesn’t set the house on fire, learns what overalls do, and proceeds to rock the kid to sleep so he can ditch the kid and do his own shit in his and Jessa’s ongoing quest to suffocate their baby. Anna’s Meredith learns how to suck her toes, and Spurge expresses his inborn Gothardite desire to one-up the female by shoving his fist in his mouth. The ladies return home, and much to everyone’s dismay, they don’t find the remnants of the house engulfed in burning inferno with Spud, dressed in full Gladiator regalia, standing with victory over the charred corpse of his incompetent sperm donor.

Meanwhile in El Salvador, Izzy has developed a love for futbol, as many El Salvadorians do, and licking electric fans, as many future wards of the state do. Jill finds Izzy’s fan-hugging delightful and not at all dangerous. I guess it’s because the kid is teething…but Derick is too busy growing redwood trees on his face to buy the kid a pacifier. And this, kiddos, is reason #500 that TLC putting the Duggars on TV again is dangerous…their ideas of what is safe for kids is on par with Ted Bundy’s mom.

Nomi Malone, the preschool years

After a montage of the Duggars enjoying their favorite phallic vegetable, Izzy goes through the final phase in his initiation into Duggarhood: the consuming of the gherkin. After making a few faces of displeasure, he goes on to enjoy the condiment, and the last of his independent soul dissipates into the air over his head.

Jana wants to build a playhouse for the kids, and John Derpid goes into this whole big idea about building a Taj Mahal, complete with bridge, porch, 5-star sauna, and servants’ entrance. Jana says, “Um, no. Wooden box with some air holes.” Derpid hangs his head in shame and agrees.

We finally get back to Jinger and Shitty Shiity Bang Bang. It has 221,000 miles on it, which basically means it’s old as fuck, y’all. Joy, who took some sort of class that didn’t have to do with baby-having, amazingly, and she digs through the car to find a shit ton of trash, as well as some missing animals and the lost city of Atlantis. The siblings pimp her out some more. Jinger loves virgin pina coladas and getting caught with a brain. Find her on ChristianShutIns.com!

Jana thinks John Derpid has a lot of wisdom in choosing a life mate…considering his slew of romances, I’d say she’s about as on track as a derailed train. It’s because, according to Jana: “boys know boys better and girls know girls better…but no homo.” Jana thinks Derpid will be the next wedded Duggar…either that or she just wants his useless potato ass out of her space. The discussion is very eloquently intercut with scenes of the tree house getting erected (tee hee).

Jinger’s hot rod gets flipped and sold to a brave man who doesn’t have the sense to get his face blurred out on camera or the sense to not do business with a family of known grifters and liars. He probably got the car for free from TLC just in an attempt to make the Duggars look like decent schmucks again. They sell it to the guy for just under a grand in profit. So, they made more money filming the scene where they barter with the guy than they did off the car itself. Then, Jinger adds a side note that the guy wised up and reneged on the deal, and she only ended up making $500. Jesus must not like them womun car sellers. The only flipping Jinger will be doing from now on is this kind:

Next week: Dances with Flamingoes, Party Planning, and More Pressing Romance Questions Aimed at Daughters. Don’t expect a review from me until a week later, as I will be off doing important things in a foreign country…Mexico, not El Salvador. And I will be vacationing for realsies, not Duggar-cationing. I have some posts pre-scheduled, so never fear!

Maybe I’ll just be subtle and skip next weeks episode all together. It doesn’t look like I’ll be missing shit.